Partners in Faith

Over the last few years, I have felt the need to reach out to all those who are working in the area of faith-based organizing and domestic violence. It is important for us to share the work we are doing, support one another, and perhaps to find ways to work collaboratively.

On December 2, we hosted a gathering at the UU Urban Ministry that brought this group of people together. Fifteen women gathered for the meeting, with several others wishing to be there but unable to attend. A fascinating conversation ensued regarding the work of faith-based organizing in Boston and across Massachusetts. It was a candid discussion, with folks discussing the challenges of allowing survivors of domestic violence to express their faith within the context of groups, shelters or programs that were not receptive to “faith talk.” We discussed how faith can make a strong impact on survivors’ ability to heal, yet social workers and domestic violence facilities can be quite resistant to integrating faith, and can even feel threatened by faith or clergy. We also discussed how some clergy don’t know the reality of domestic violence and can cause more harm than good for a survivor who is struggling to decide if God condones the way she/he is being treated in their relationship.

As you can see, the conversation was rich. We discussed promising practices that are working in various domestic violence programs, such as spiritual retreats, spirituality/healing groups and trainings of clergy and faith groups in domestic violence. We brainstormed about ways we could reach out to the domestic violence/sexual assault programs in Massachusetts to provide education and resources on integrating spirituality/faith into their programs. And we dreamed about the possibilities of having chaplains that could offer spiritual resource and support to program staff/volunteers/interns.

As the time came to a close, I mentioned that we needed to wrap up. Everyone was amazed that the time had gone by so quickly. One person commented how nice it was to be in a room of support around issues of faith, saying it felt like something she had been searching for and was happy to have found. And when I asked if we should set another meeting, all agreed with a resounding YES! So we will meet again, and continue to support one another and dream of ways we can get better connected.

Some people and faith communities who we wished would attend were missing, and we will need to do more work to bring others to the table. However, it was a good beginning that supports survivors who want to discuss their faith and how it has helped them to heal. It also supports those who work in the domestic violence field who want to discuss how their faith has kept them going, as well as survivors who need to share the reality of spiritual abuse they suffered through their relationship that continues to haunt them. We call ourselves “Partners in Faith” and we are hopeful that we can offer a hopeful, supportive resource that can bridge the church/state barriers as we all acknowledge the importance of addressing the FULL person in their journey to healing.

The Importance of Playtime and Hands-On Parenting

One of the new and innovative programs we offer to Renewal House residents who are also parents is individual playtime with their children. Supported by a staff person or volunteers, this playtime is dedicated to intentional interaction between parent and child. We were motivated to provide this program because we noticed that many of the mothers we work with are so overwhelmed by their situation and the reality of living in a shelter that they sometimes forget to play with their children. And, as a result of the abuse they experienced in their relationships, some of the parents have lost their relationships with their children. Ironically, their stay in shelter can actually be a time of rebuilding the trust and love between parent and child.

When you think about it, our society offers little support for "play." We are supposed to be working, doing something, contributing. But as we all know, play is the way young people learn, the way they interact and make sense of the world they live in. And to have a parent or other ally play with them helps them to know that they are not tackling this project of learning and living on their own.

The first night that our Boston College PULSE interns offered one-on-one play for two of our children and their mom, I happened to be working late and got to listen to the interaction. The children were thrilled to have time with their mom. And mom was sweetly attentive to the children, participating in an art project with one and playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with the other. Each of the one-on-one playtime sessions were only 20 minutes long, and yet those 20 minutes were invaluable to the connection these family members made with one another.

As a parent, I find it difficult some weeks to "decide" to take time to just be with my son. And being a single parent, playtime competes with making dinner, cleaning the house, overseeing homework, making sure baths are taken, reading, and ensuring we will be ready for tomorrow. There are so many demands on parents from all angles that it is hard to believe that setting aside time to give full attention to our children is valued and, in fact, necessary. And yet it's clear that when I am able to give that time and attention to my son it makes a difference in his life and in mine, and definitely creates a stronger bond between us. I can tell he knows that I am with him and that he can therefore tell me how things really are going for him at school or with his friends, or even in his own mind or dreams. I am his resource, as is his father. It is our job to give him attention and care - not just to feed and clothe him - to help him process the joys and struggles of life.

All children need parents. And many of us have had parents that were unable to attend to us in the ways that we needed. But that is not a reason to just "settle" for providing the minimum of what we can give as parents. We are constantly called upon to learn and grow from the past and build on it for a brighter future. It is work, though, and work that unfortunately is not highly respected or hugely supported.

There are a few great programs in Boston for children who have witnessed domestic violence. The ones we work with are "Child Witness to Violence" at Boston Medical Center and the Children's program at the South End Community Health Center. Both of these programs are fabulous and can offer great resources, and yet it is often difficult to get parents to go. Additionally, at times there are waiting lists for the programs, which can be a further deterrent for parents who want/need something NOW. Thus, we decided to start this work in order to provide a resource to our families, to offer a "taste" of what could be more fully experienced in one of these programs, and to let parents and children know we believe more than anything that the health of their relationships are vital to their healing.

Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships

Renewal House advocate Colleen Armstrong and Roxbury Youth Programs coordinator Angela Cespedes attended a training session for a Safe Dates curriculum on healthy communication/relationships and dating geared toward middle and high school students. The training was offered by Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts statewide consortium of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. Beginning in the fall, we have begun reaching out to the Mission Hill community to offer the nine-week curriculum to local programs. We began with Roxbury Youth Programs' high school seniors and in the Spring we will be working with RYP middle schoolers. We recently received confirmation that we will be providing the program for 6th, 7th and 8th graders at Mission Hill School and we are working on getting into two other schools in our neighborhood. In addition, we will be adjusting the curriculum to provide it to 9- to 12-year-old girls through an after-school program at Sociedad Latina. We are very excited to be working in the area of education and prevention, an area that is so vitally important, and yet under-developed in Renewal House due to our limited staffing.

Two weeks ago I attended one of the sessions led by Colleen and our Simmons social work intern, Charmaine, for Roxbury Youth Programs. Following a presentation and review of past sessions, the young people divided into groups of three to work on role-playing exercises. Finding myself in a group with two young women, I was fascinated to see how the young people got into their roles. The first exercise was a scenario between a boy and a girl having difficulty in their dating relationship due to the boy's jealousy of the girl's extra-curricular activities. It was a difficult role play because the girls found themselves wanting to change their activities to appease the boy - and I kept encouraging them to find a way to stay strong in what they wanted to do rather than in what they thought he wanted them to do. They did a nice job of tackling the challenge.

The second role-playing exercise was between two girls, and involved one girl accusing her friend of being too flirty with her boyfriend. The first girl had just broken up with the boyfriend but was clearly still in love with him. And the second girl could tell that the boy was now interested in her and she was enjoying the attention. Soon the discussion escalated into an argument, with both girls accusing one another of terrible behavior and trying to hurt the other. The argument focused around whom the boy belonged to, who he liked better and why. The goal of the exercise, as with the previous one, was to try to find possible ways out of the argument and instead supporting one another. For these two girls, a peaceful resolution seemed impossible. I tried to encourage them to look at ways they could fight their way out of the argument, but it only ended in further derogatory comments and accusations.

At the end of the exercise, I reflected on how easy it seemed for two very good friends to get stuck in this scenario. The focus was not on their common annoyance with a boy who was so clearly "playing" both of them, but rather on what each girl was doing to perpetuate the relationship and its hurtful impact on the other. I was struck by how powerful sexism is - how it traps women/girls in fighting over men and blinds us to the reality that our patriarchal society is hurtful to us all. Why do we - as women - choose to turn on one another rather toward one another? How does sexism and misogyny have such power and control over both men and women? It is as if we are all blinded by the ways we have been hurt and would rather strike out to hurt another rather than truly feel the pain of victimization and work to end it for ourselves and for others.

I am proud to offer the Safe Dates curriculum as another branch of the work of Renewal House, and I look forward to finding ways we can continue to engage young people. This curriculum enables us to provide young people with tools that they can use to more critically think about all of their relationships.

The Enduring Blessing of Joy

This past Saturday Renewal House held its annual holiday party, which has been hosted by First Parish Church in Kingston for the past 10 years. First Parish member Mary Ann Barrow is dedicated to working with us to create a lovely party for current and former residents that includes food, holiday crafts for all ages, singing, and of course presents. Our residents and former residents look forward to the gathering every year – and the preparations begin in early November. Having the holiday party each year on the first Saturday in December is a cheerful way to ring in the holiday season. For many of our current and former guests, the holidays are not full of joy and thanksgiving. The onset of the holidays is a reminder of how hard life has been and continues to be. And those who already struggle with depression and anxiety find themselves feeling all the more trapped by their pain and “trapped” in a shelter – with little money or enthusiasm for the “season of cheer.” The Renewal House holiday party provides a little lift to the spirits of those who feel overwhelmed by so much uncertainty and transience.

This year, the holiday party included invitations to approximately 35 families, including more than 60 children. Renewal House staff braced ourselves for a chaotic day. Some years the Holiday party can feel like a whole lot of work – when people do not get along, for example, or when presents go missing or a child gets hurt. All of these things are normal happenings, and yet because it is a Holiday party it just doesn’t seem like this is the way things should be.

Despite the record numbers of guests and fears of the worst, I realized halfway through the party I was feeling calm and genuinely happy. Everyone participated in the crafts. Folks were enjoying mingling with one another and sharing the food. Church members, volunteers, residents and former residents were making connections and simply enjoying being together. It was a lovely afternoon!

The usual schedule involves a cleaning-up effort when the party is winding down, and then everyone forms a circle and we sing Christmas songs together. Then, each of the children is called out by name and they come forward to receive their gift. This year, everyone helped clean up, the tables were quickly set to the side and a circle of chairs formed. The musicians then began leading us in music, compelling many of the children to gather close to the musicians in ecstatic anticipation.

As the music started, two children, each about two years old, began to dance. It was as if their bodies could not resist the joy of the music, the rhythms, and the joined voices raised in song. They danced and danced and danced. And as I watched them dance I reflected on the lives of these two children. Both of them have parents who are new immigrants to our country. The boy’s mother was illegally bought from her family and sold into the United States to an abusive boyfriend who brutally beat her and threatened deportation if she so much as cried out in pain. The girl’s mother is from an African country where there are frequent uprisings among warring groups – and where she, along with many other women, was beaten and raped as a retaliatory gesture between the oppositional factions.

These two children somehow find themselves in the safety of Renewal House – and on December 5, 2009, they can do nothing more than get up and dance. Dance for their freedom, dance for the gift of their mothers, dance for their hope in a world that is full of peace, respect and love. And all anyone could do that watched them in that hall on that day was smile and clap. And I found myself in awe as I watched this grace-filled moment unfold. Through very different paths and life experiences, two young children and their mothers found their way to Renewal House. And despite the pain and difficulty these children and their mothers had endured, they danced and danced and danced – reminding us all that true joy, true hope, true light can never be extinguished.

Finding Voice

It is interesting to see the ways that different people experience the reality of abuse. We often see people who have learned to meet abuse with abuse. These individuals are very aggressive, quick-tempered, easily frustrated and have little or no trust of anyone. It is important to point out that these are coping skills. It’s not as though there is something wrong with these individuals – they have, in fact, learned how to fight, stick up for themselves, and not be pulled under by the abuse. Unfortunately, these individuals don’t always do well in domestic violence shelters, where they come into contact with other survivors whose experience is different from theirs, and where they must live in a community in which there are rules. These individuals feel frustrated by a system that seems to constantly oppress them, and by having to accommodate the needs of others in the living community. It can remind them of their abuse or their abuser, and the impulse is to lash out. And yet, when they do lash out they are told that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and sometimes they receive punishment or have privileges taken away. This, of course, can add to the rage of a survivor who has been taught to fight, and who often feels bad about himself/herself and is now is being singled out as being a “troublemaker.”

I personally like working with these individuals because they are good people who are struggling to make a way for themselves in a world that has not been kind to them. But they haven’t given up the will to live and to fight for what they want for themselves. The trick is to figure out ways to ally oneself with these survivors and encourage them to continue to fight for themselves in ways that will not alienate all those around them. And yet, the anger and frustration are real and should not be muffled. Being abused is anger-inducing and, in fact, those who lose that anger or never even identify it are more worrisome to me in some ways than those who lash out. It’s almost as if they are resigned to the abuse and agree to serve as an active participant in a model where they somehow “deserve” it.

This other group, the silent survivors, have at some point lost their voice, lost their ability to fight, lost their sense of self. There doesn’t appear to be a lot to work with in these people. But I believe that the job of domestic violence programs is to enable these individuals to find their voice. Along with finding their voice, these individuals need to rediscover and define their identity.

Recently, we had two women in our program who fit into this silent survivor category. During groups and even informal discussions in the shelter, they remain silent and never have anything they want to contribute. They attend meetings with their advocate and with our therapist, but they are quiet and even fearful of the process at times. The other residents, who tend to have stronger personalities, overwhelm them in a way, effectively leaving no room for them to even begin opening up or contributing.

At our house meeting last week, I brought up issues about the television and the kitchen that I knew affected these two residents, and yet they chose to sit in silence. And even when I asked if they had something to share, they both said “no.” I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with these two, although I knew that isn’t helpful, either.

As I was reflecting on this over the weekend, I recalled my college women’s studies courses and the work of Carol Gilligan (In a Different Voice) and Mary Pipher (Reviving Ophelia). The two residents are both immigrants to the U.S., have young children, and struggle with English. The reasons for their limited voice are many, and I question whether Gilligan’s or Pipher’s approaches are applicable. I know that these women have a voice – that is not the concern. The question is, how have sexism, racism and xenophobia exacerbated their situations and contributed to their silencing themselves. And what is our role in encouraging these survivors to find their voice and to use it for themselves, for their children, and in all of their relationships.

I do believe that it is a part of our job as domestic violence advocates to also partner with survivors to help them find their voice. This is a challenging task because it feels so abstract in many ways and, obviously, must be tailored to the individual. And yet, partnering with survivors to help them find their voices and define their identities could be the most revolutionary thing we do.

Statements on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Vice President
For Immediate Release
November 25, 2009

STATEMENT BY VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN ON THE 10th ANNIVERSARY OF THE INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE ELIMINATION OF VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
November 25, 2009

“Violence against women is found in every culture around the world. It is one of our most pervasive global problems, yet it is preventable. When gang rape is a weapon of war, when women are beaten behind closed doors, or when young girls are trafficked in brothels and fields - we all suffer. This violence robs women and girls of their full potential, causes untold human suffering, and has great social and economic costs. On this 10th anniversary of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, I urge all Americans to join with the international community in calling for an end to these abuses.”


USUN PRESS RELEASE # 285 November 25, 2009
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Statement by Ambassador Susan E. Rice, U.S. Permanent Representative to the United Nations, on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, November 25, 2009

Today the United States joins with activists, advocates, and leaders from all over the globe in recognizing the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. This day is of particular importance because women continue to be subjected daily to physical, sexual, psychological and economic abuse -- regardless of age, race, culture, economic status or location. No country is free of this scourge. In the United States, women experience 2 million injuries and 1200 deaths per year as a result of violence by husbands or intimate partners. Furthermore, research by the United Nations Women’s Fund found that in some countries, up to seventy percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence by men. In situations of war and conflict, the prevalence of rape and sexual violence is horrific, with thousands of women and girls gang-raped, mutilated, and forced into sexual slavery every single day.

Gender-based violence is a terrible reality that leaders of all nations must address and prevent through national and international action. The Obama Administration has worked with member states in the United Nations to strengthen the international community’s response. In September, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton led the Security Council in its adoption of Resolution 1888, which calls upon the Secretary-General to appoint a Special Representative to lead, coordinate and advocate for efforts to prevent sexual violence and to end impunity for perpetrators. The United States has urged the UN General Assembly to highlight issues of sexual violence in its deliberations to create a stronger, more effective women’s agency in the UN. And, in October, the United States strongly supported the adoption of Security Council Resolution 1889, which condemned continuing sexual violence against women in conflict and post-conflict situations and called for a wide range of measures to strengthen the participation of women at all stages of peace processes.

The ability of all women and girls to live free from abuse and fear is a fundamental human right. As we mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, the United States renews its resolve and commitment to fight gender-based violence in all its forms. We call upon the international community to collaborate to end these atrocities, to better protect women and girls, and to end impunity for perpetrators of gender based violence.

Finally, Some Relatively Positive Funding News!

On Tuesday, I attended a day-long gathering of domestic violence providers who are funded by the Department of Children and Families. We gather together quarterly to receive updates on the work of DCF in the area of domestic violence and to have a discussion or a speaker address a particular issue that is affecting our work and the people we serve.

At this most recent meeting, we were informed that the budget cut to DCF domestic violence funding -- which we expected to be 2.4%, the announced across-the-board cut to all programs – was reduced to 1.91%. This is great news to all of us, and the room erupted in cheers. It was powerful to hear DCF staff people say that they worked hard crunching numbers and whittling the number down so that it would have the least impact as possible. And they explained they did all of this because they understand how important and necessary our efforts are upon the lives of children and adults who need domestic violence services and support. What a blessing to hear our state funders acknowledge the importance of what we do!

Not only that, DCF is now compiling the statistics that each program submits every month so that they can report at to us at the quarterly meetings the number of people our programs are serving across the state. For example, there have been more than 2,000 intakes completed across the state this year in domestic violence shelters, child witness to violence programs, community-based programs and visitation centers. And the Massachusetts statewide hotline (Safelink 877-785-2020) took more than 17,000 calls; of those, more than 5,000 referrals were made other than shelter. When we get to see numbers like this, we realize the impact our joint effort is making. Our politicians and state administrators cannot deny the impact of the services we provide when we have these numbers to show.

On December 2, Renewal House is sponsoring a gathering of people engaged in faith-based work on domestic violence. We have eight people representing six agencies who have already signed on to participate. When I sent out the general invite to the Jane Doe Inc website, I received three calls of interest. Just yesterday, I received a phone call from an individual who has been engaged in domestic violence work for more than 20 years. She said, “I was just thinking that this time in our world is ‘ripe’ for spiritual fruition in the area of domestic violence. I am so glad you are doing this.” We have touched a nerve – and opened a door – and we are looking forward to seeing what will come of this next venture.

Parenting in Difficult Times

Parenting is a difficult job. Single parenting is even more challenging. Parenting when you are in a domestic violence relationship compounds the difficulty. And even after leaving a domestic violence relationship, parenting remains a struggle. Not to mention parenting in a shelter with a group of people you have not chosen to live with, and who are also healing from domestic violence. Parenting in a shelter can be very stressful.

We discuss the challenges of living in shelter at our house meetings. We ask our residents to share with us what is most difficult for themselves and their children about being in this setting. And we challenge our residents to discover new ways of interacting and being with one another, despite their differences.

This is not easy work. Because of the abuse that our residents suffered, it is often difficult for them to believe that open communication is possible without the situation resulting in abuse or “punishment.” Teaching our residents that it is ok to be vulnerable, and that they can share their deepest needs and be met with respect and understanding, is an ongoing challenge for our staff. In addition, many of our residents learned that fighting is the only way to approach conflict. Yelling, swearing, threatening, and calling people names is the strategy they learned, and that is how they choose to approach conflict.

How do we show them a different way?

At this week’s house meeting, we discussed the impulse to yell, hit or threaten our children. Because parenting is such hard work and so emotionally demanding we often see our residents struggling with discipline issues. Children are smart. They know when things are not “right” with their parent and this can frighten them. Often children act out as a result of sensing change, uneasiness or stress. Additionally, some of our families are involved with the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Because of the domestic violence these families experienced, DCF gets involved to support the non-offending parent and to try to assess what is best for this family moving forward.

Because of DCF involvement, many of our families are concerned that their children will be taken from them. As you can imagine, this is NOT what they want. And our role as a shelter is to support the survivor and his/her relationship with their children. We are there to help them make sense of their role as parents, process their experiences as survivors of domestic violence, and learn important techniques about parenting children who have witnessed abuse. This is challenging work to model – and challenging work to learn – especially when other patterns get in the way of being the best parent possible.

At the house meeting, I shared with residents the fact that Renewal House staff members are concerned about how the residents interact with their children. We believe they are good parents. We believe they want to do what’s right. And we see them sometimes “losing it” with their children. Sometimes this manifests itself through yelling, threatening and “tapping” them. It is our role as shelter staff to address the actions we feel are troubling or unhealthy for the children in an effort to both protect the child and support the parent.

All parents struggle with managing stress. Parenting is the most difficult and demanding work that one will ever do. And sometimes we are NOT at our best. And sometimes our children are not at their best, either. But the ability to recognize when things are getting out of control or too stressful, and to have ways to soothe oneself and one’s children, is the key to de-escalating and making healthier choices.

The problem is that some families and parents are targeted by DCF and other child protection agencies, and the involvement is difficult to end. In reality, all of us parents need a lot more resource than we have. But some of us are more connected to resource and can find people who can help, whether through family, friends or a professional children’s therapist. Even then, however, all of us struggle to control our anger and stress and try not to take out our frustration on our children. All parents need circles of accountability to help us be the best parents we can be. And we will fail at times – and we CAN learn from our failures with the right support.

So I let the parents know that we want them to be the best parents they can be. We want to encourage, support and even challenge them to engage in this “job” of parenting as much as they possibly can. And when we see them struggling, we want to be able to step in and give them a break as a way of providing support, and not as a way to criticize and judge them. For all of us need a community that believes in us and wants to work with us to succeed. At Renewal House, we are hoping to offer that opportunity to all those with whom we work, and to be an ally to the children as well as the parents.

Budget Cuts and Rainbows

The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow,
But the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work
~ Author Unknown

At times, the work of ending domestic violence can overwhelm a person – or a community or a team. There is so much to be done. There are so many lives to save, and so much injustice all around us. We find ourselves called to action over and over and over again. And yet, we cannot do this work well if we are not taking moments to step away from it and notice the beauty that is in the world, in humanity and in our community. When we don’t make time for ourselves, we can lose ourselves in the work and become victims of it as well.

We received the news this week that the state budget line item for domestic violence services will be cut by 2.4%. This is not as devastating as we feared. However, it is a cut, and all programs across the state are making difficult decisions about how this cut will impact their programs and services. We were asked how we would like the cuts to be divided – across all programs, only to community-based programs, or only to supervised visitation centers. And the resounding answer from Executive Directors across the state was, “make the cut equal across the board, and let each individual program determine how to implement it.” It was inspiring to hear director after director agree on the point that all of our programs matter, and we would rather share the pain than ask some agencies to take a deeper cut.

On Tuesday morning, I attended a training session at the Department of Public Health on a new initiative sponsored by DPH, Fenway Community Health, Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition, Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention and Samaritans hotline. The meeting was about rolling out a new initiative aimed at educating providers about issues related to transgender clients, particularly around suicidality. I found it heartening that approximately 100 people attended the event, and I was happy to see people caring about supporting those who are often marginalized and ignored.

All of us were grateful for the opportunity to hear about various efforts people have undertaken to make their agencies and programs more trans-friendly. The statistics around suicide in the transgender community are troubling and can feel overwhelming. We want to help, and it is encouraging to know that tools and resources are available. Hopefully, those who attended the conference will carry this information back to communities across Massachusetts and make a difference.

And now, it is Friday. The week has come to a close. I feel as though there is so much more to be done. Yet the rainbow will not wait – and neither will my child.

Blessings to you on your weekend
Blessings to you in your work
And may we all remember to take the moment to appreciate the beauty of what is happening in the moment – because if we miss it – it will fade and so will we.

Conflict Mediation

For the last few weeks at the shelter, Renewal House staff members have been mediating a great deal of conflict among our residents. I find this work to be the most draining of all the work we do. We must first negotiate and re-negotiate schedules so that everyone can sit down together, and it takes time and energy to listen to each person’s side of the story. But the conflict also has a life of its own at times. And when we do finally sit down together, those involved in the conflict often have nothing to say at first, or they are resistant to being open and honest. Sometimes, they explode in full-fledged anger.

Anger is a tricky thing. All of our families of origin had different ideas about anger and if, how and when it should be expressed. All of us manage anger differently. Some of us cannot help but show it – others sweep it away under a distant rug in the hopes it will just stay there. And yet, in many ways, anger is a good thing. There are many things in this world and in this life that we rightfully could be angry about. Have you seen that bumper sticker that reads, “If you’re not ENRAGED then you’re not paying attention”? I appreciate the sentiment and yet I’m aware that none us is has been provided with instructions about how to express that rage.

What we need are some lessons on how to express anger. Children are not given a lot of room to express anger. And anger in adults, particularly women, is not a trait that is deemed attractive or even acceptable.

The residents we work with get very angry. They are angry about having to live in a shelter. They are angry at the system (courts, social service agencies, etc.), which is not always helpful to them. They are angry about not having access to housing or decent childcare or healthcare. They are angry about the violence they have experienced or that their children witnessed. They are angry about losing their jobs and having to move. They are angry at their ex-partners. They are angry at the world that appears -- and often is -- so unjust to them. And most of us would agree that they have every right to be angry.

The question for Renewal House staff is how do we help them express and channel their anger in ways that are helpful to them rather than harmful?

At a recent meeting with the Department of Children and Families, one of the social workers observed that once someone is in their system, they must fight pretty hard to get out. Once a child abuse and neglect report is filed, the family or individual is under scrutiny for years, and even a slight mistake can lead to a threat of their child being removed from the home and/or losing custody altogether. One of the families we are working with at Renewal House is struggling in this area. And it is hard for the parent to see that any expression of anger she directs toward a security guard, childcare worker, or even another resident in the shelter can lead to an investigation and further concern over her “fitness” to be a parent.

This past week, I have watched our staff manage conflict after conflict after conflict. Of course, this is a normal part of their work, but we have seen over this last week an increase in clashes and a heightened level of tension. In the conflict resolution meetings, we acknowledge that their anger is ok, but the way in which they are expressing it is not always helpful or appropriate. It is an educational moment that most of us never receive. For when we show anger in our society, we are often shunned, ignored, or even reported.

The opportunity we have at Renewal House is to sit with residents in their anger without reacting, condemning or condoning. We simply say, “Here is a moment that can be educational for all of us. Let us help you now before your anger puts your safety and well-being in jeopardy.” Helping people work through their anger issues is difficult work, but it offers great opportunities for people to make personal changes in their behavior that will bring them more inner peace and healthier relationships.

Domestic Violence Month Ends...But the Work Continues!

October, Domestic Violence Awareness month, has come to a close. This last week has been full of activity. From an interview with the Boston Herald on the new Christian domestic violence talkline in Dorchester, to the last session of our volunteer training, to an event with the Northbridge Association of Churches, awareness is increasing and we don’t want that to end.

In light of this momentum, we will continue writing this blog two to three times per week in the coming months. We will use the blog as a means of updating you on the work of Renewal House, as well as expanding awareness about domestic violence issues and encouraging conversation. Thank you for your interest in our work and the support you offer to our program and the people we serve.

On Wednesday night I travelled with Juliana (our Harvard Divinity School intern) and Cinthia (a former Renewal House resident) to Northbridge, Mass., for an event organized by Susan Brostrup Jensen, a Simmons College PhD student. The event was the culmination of her efforts throughout her coursework to bring the work of ending domestic violence into churches and faith communities. The event was well attended, and there was a wonderful conversation following the presentations about how these individuals and congregations could actively address the needs of survivors in their communities.

Both Cinthia and Susan Shumaker (a UU and longtime supporter of Renewal House) shared their stories during the evening. I have heard Susan’s story several times and each time I hear it there is something new that she adds or some new way that I hear the tragedy of a child witnessing domestic violence. Because this event was for people of faith, Susan included her experience within faith communities while she was growing up. We all had a good chuckle when she explained that she attended the United Methodist Church on Sundays, the Catholic Church on Fridays (waiting for her friends as they did confession), and synagogue with her Jewish friends on Saturday night to mark the end of Shabbat. Each served as a place of refuge for Susan as she struggled to create a “normal” life away from the abuse she witnessed between her parents. Susan found community wherever she could. And she found strength in all of the friends she had and their faith traditions that informed their lives.

Cinthia has also shared her story several times at Renewal House events. She was a resident almost a year ago, and is currently living in her own apartment in Boston and working at an area hospital. Cinthia is more than surviving, she is thriving! On Wednesday night, Cinthia spoke about the isolation she felt in her marriage, as her abuser cut off all of her connections to the outside world. Cinthia was not allowed to leave her home, speak on the phone or have contact with anyone. She did, however, have minimal contact with a woman who worked in the building where she and her husband lived. Occasionally, this person would have to come into their apartment to repair something or make routine checks. Cinthia didn’t speak much with this woman – but she didn’t have to, because the woman knew what was happening. One day, she knocked on Cinthia’s door and handed her $25 and said, “why don’t you use this to get out of here.” And that is exactly what Cinthia did.

What I found so moving about Cinthia’s story was that she then looked out at all the people gathered in the Northbridge Church and said – almost as an invitation – “You could have been that person giving me that $25. You can be the person to help someone leave an abusive relationship.” The tears in the room flowed very easily at that point, for it spoke to the very core of what many folks believe: when you serve the least of these, you are serving me…and you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It was a powerful statement, and a wonderful and simple invitation to us all.

Last night, as we wrapped up our final volunteer training for Renewal House, we closed with attendees sharing what they found to be the highlight of our time together. The overall consensus was that having the opportunity to be in community with this group, week after week, was itself a highlight. Some mentioned that the diversity in people’s ages was a highlight. To see younger people so interested and involved provided the “older” adults with hope for the future. For younger folks, hearing the perspective and history from their older peers was meaningful. It struck me that, just as survivors of domestic violence find themselves isolated through the abuse they suffer, we also find ourselves isolated from one another. We are always looking for community – a place where we belong and where our thoughts and opinions matter. Going through a 25-hour training is a huge commitment, and yet finding others who are committed to learning about, and contributing to, the work of supporting survivors of domestic violence can create a lovely opportunity for community. For Renewal House staff, it is thrilling to have others with new energy join us in our efforts to offer safety and hope for all survivors of domestic violence.

Serving Community Members and Former Renewal House Guests

(by guest blogger Ada Guadalupe, Renewal House Shelter Manager)

Renewal House is a special place to me. I have worked here for over 15 years and have enjoyed the opportunities this work and this agency have provided me.

I am most pleased with the work we do in the community and the connections we maintain with former residents. The community work has changed over the years, and is important to the people we serve. It started when I was doing a domestic violence support group at Latinas y Ninos, a substance abuse program for women and children. I lead groups there and people were very engaged and connected. Then, under former Renewal House Director Parisa Parsa, we started Sisters Together Offering Peace (STOP) and many of the women from Latinas y Ninos came to that group as well.

Working in the community is difficult and important work. Difficult because most often the people who participate have little or no resource and often are still in the abusive relationship. And important because so many services have been cut over the years -- and without, us these folks would have no one.

For the last six months I have been offering “office hours” at the UU Urban Ministry’s program and office space at First Church in Roxbury for community residents in need. I provide assistance to those seeking support around homelessness, domestic violence, legal issues and a wide variety of other things. We have publicized this new service with our community partners, and have had a good response.

Another recent outreach effort for both shelter residents and community members is our new ESL class, launched in collaboration with some of our volunteers. This will add to the “traffic” in the UU Urban Ministry and increase our ability to connect with more people.

In addition, our Harvard Divinity School intern, Juliana dos Santos, is leading a yoga group on Wednesdays at the UU Urban Ministry for shelter residents and community members. Yoga provides good exercise and has proven to be helpful in the work of healing.

Renewal House began the practice of working with former residents when I noticed that the residents leaving our program were so sad. Often, we had become their community and they felt that moving on meant they were losing us. I spoke with then-Director Joyce King, who said I was welcome to continue working with former guests if I so desired – so I did. We added a section on the exit interview about ongoing follow-up and asked residents to let us know if they wanted to continue to work with us.

The connection with former residents has been wonderful. For Renewal House staff members, who encounter our guests at the lowest point in their lives, the opportunity to support them beyond their time in shelter provides a reassuring window into post-shelter life -- life does move on, and healing and wholeness can happen. Of course, not all of the people we work with are free of struggle and difficulty, but they do know that they can call on us for resources and support. These days, we have several gatherings throughout the year for current and former residents. Some gatherings are simply social engagements, and some provide education/enrichment for adults and children. It’s a chance for families and individuals to be around others who share their experience of abuse. They learn and gain support from one another.

I was raised Catholic. At times, I have been unhappy with the church and stopped participating. However, I feel as though my faith has driven me throughout my life to do good to those I meet. I believe the church is in me and I take it wherever I go. This is another reason I love working at Renewal House. The opportunity to talk with the residents about their own faith and how it can serve as a resource in their lives is very meaningful to me. Many of the people we serve come to us with nothing. Their abusers have taken everything away from them – except their faith. The opportunity for these folks to see this resource and build on it in a community of support is immensely helpful. We occasionally have residents who are resistant to the faith component in our program. We simply let them know that it is a resource for them to use in whatever way is most helpful to them.

And that is the beauty of the Unitarian Universalist faith – it is inclusive, open to exploration and accepting of all faith traditions. Working in a program that values spirituality is so important to me and, more importantly, to our guests. Furthermore, the ongoing support of Unitarian Universalist congregations helps us make even more of a difference.

From our Holiday party sponsored by First Parish in Kingston, to the prayer shawls from Follen Church, to all the UU individuals who respond to our pleas for Halloween costumes, event tickets, or baby shower items, we try to offer our guests much more than mere shelter. All of these “extras” make Renewal House a program that truly is about renewal for those who come in our doors.

Finding Hope in the Words of a Child

(by guest blogger Alex Kamin, Renewal House Children's Advocate)

Children enter the world filled with hope, wonder, and authentic yearning to interact with those around them. As they develop, their natural wonder can be fostered and encouraged through creative play, nurturing homes, loving adults, and stability. The child who is allowed to develop in this organic way will learn to trust in the world around them. They come to believe that the world is a place where they can invest themselves.

What about the children who were not given the tools to develop this wonder? The children who were not able to explore the world around them? The children we encounter at Renewal House are often caught in this state of transition, which has inhibited their sense of safety in the world. The child who enters Renewal House is going through a plethora of changes -- they have left their home, most if not all of their belongings (toys, pets, movies, music, etc.), and a traumatizing violent home life. Each child enters Renewal House with a different set of experiences and coping mechanisms, yet they have one quality that links them, which is resiliency. Children are incredible healers. Despite the harsh circumstances, turmoil, and transition that each child who enters our shelter has faced, they have incredible strength and capacity for hope. Renewal House, its staff, volunteers, interns, and the resources they all provide for the parents allow the children to reinvest in a world which has thus far not proven to be a safe place.

Although this hope is not always apparent and it certainly does not happen overnight, there are moments when it shines clearly in the eyes and words of the children. An encounter with a 5-year-old boy reminds me of this. This child entered the shelter as a very timid boy, barely talking to anyone outside of his own family. When he did talk he would be submissive and polite. He loved to read. As his time at Renewal House was drawing close to a month, his personality began to change. He became aggressive with the other children, he was rude to his mother and staff, and he would lie and yell. He would refuse to listen to anyone, and disobey rules he had once recited to anyone who would listen. After a few days of trying various disciplinary techniques, I decided it would be best to sit down and talk with him in my office. I knew he had been having nightmares, so I asked him about those. He told me he dreamt of “his mean daddy, and the blood from the cuts he gave himself.” His eyes got soft as he spoke and the anger he had been exhibiting earlier seemed to melt away. He continued, “and I have dreams of my mean daddy pulling out the bathtub and throwing it out the window and everything breaking.” He told me this with certainty. I asked him if he would like to draw a picture of all the people and things that made him feel good. He could keep this picture next to his bed, and it would keep away nightmares. He liked this idea. I drew and he told me different animals and people he wanted to have on the drawing – his grandparents, his dog, a snail, a polar bear. After a bit, I asked if there was anything else he wanted to include in the drawing. He said, “oh yeah – we need to have a lion on top of everything. The lion is God, and protects me from everything, and he watches all of us.” I took a deep breathe, said a silent prayer of gratitude for the gentle spirit moving inside this boy, and acknowledged the great strength which this young boy possesses. I drew the lion.

When I got to work the next day, the boy ran to me and said, “Can we draw more animals? The dreams of my mean daddy went away last night.” Being present to another in their time of suffering is a true gift.

Why is it Important for People of Faith to be Involved in Domestic Violence Work?

A reporter from the Boston Herald asked me that question yesterday afternoon. The reporter is working on an article highlighting the Restorer’s Ministry, a new hotline led by three women from the Grace of All Nations Church in Dorchester. We have been supporting the training needs of the three as they seek to live out their call to serving individuals and families struggling with issues of domestic violence in their community.

What I appreciate most about the Restorer’s Ministry model is that it is a volunteer ministry. Each of the women answering calls on the hotline have a particular desire to work with this population because of their own experience with domestic violence and the importance of faith in their own healing. Reaching out to others to offer help, resources and prayer is a true gift. Many of the domestic violence services offered these days are connected to hospitals, clinics or the legal system – institutions that, for a variety of reasons, do not feel accessible to some families. Having a faith-based hotline that is simply and straightforwardly offering supportive care without any judgment or other restrictions is a true gift.

When I offered the training to this congregation (which included approximately 20 individuals) I thought I needed to explain to them the reality of work in the domestic violence field and all of the nuances of working with victims, survivors and perpetrators. And what I realized within the first 15 minutes of the training is that these individuals already knew what services were out there – and they even knew what the limits were to those services. They already knew that there are victims and survivors and perpetrators in their congregation, and that each group has special needs. Almost all of the women in the training (and some men) were survivors of domestic violence themselves and/or witnessed their child or loved one struggle in a violent relationship.

I think of it now and realize that Grace of All Nations Church and the Restorer’s Ministry have a unique opportunity. In many ways, they are getting back to the roots of the domestic violence movement, when people realized support must be given to those struggling in violence and abuse. And so these individuals opened up their homes and their lives and their communities to people who needed their help. Now the domestic violence movement has evolved into a system that, in many ways, is controlled by government funds and policies. Of course, there are programs and agencies that are doing what they can to develop new models of reaching out beyond the staid structures, but there are limits to any effort that becomes a codified system.

Renewal House’s connection with Restorer’s Ministry has helped me to imagine more deeply what we could be doing for not just victims and survivors of domestic violence and their children, but also for the abuser/perpetrator. For all of these individuals need services and support. And it seems to me that the current model does more to separate the family and demonize the abuser than call them into “right relationship” with one another.

Early on in my work at Renewal House, I attended a training led by Rhea Almeida about her program in New Jersey and her efforts to provide opportunities for restorative justice. I continually think about that model – and those who say “only someone like Rhea can do that work.” The opportunity Rhea offers for families to share the reality of domestic violence and, together, create a path to healing and wholeness is revolutionary. It does not mean that the family is reunited; rather, through the process of separation they all get a chance to tell their stories in a community of both support and accountability. This model is what I hope Restorer’s Ministry and Renewal House both achieve as we seek to be people of faith in a world that, in many ways, is “fallen.” In my mind, that is the importance of faith communities and their contributions to the work of ending domestic violence – we have the opportunity to serve all members of the family as they seek to heal and make better choices in their lives. That, I believe, is the social justice work that people of faith are poised to do together.

Finding a New Street

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

In a simple and stark way, this poem captures the reality of women and men who find themselves in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, for many of these survivors, abuse and violence are patterns in their lives that are set up very early. Since childhood, they have found themselves falling into that hole of pain and isolation again and again. They are resilient, and able to clamber out of it – and yet they keep walking down that same sidewalk and encountering that same hole.

Many of the men and women we work with at Renewal House grow increasingly frustrated by this pattern. Recently, one of our former residents arrived at our shelter office with bruises on her body and a black eye. She had just come from the hospital following a terrible attack by her girlfriend. She came to us because she said she could think of no other place to go for support. As she sat and talked with us, I felt helpless. How could we help this woman? What do we do for her? Is she going to be safe and ok to go home to the scene of the attack?

She said to us through her tears, “I don’t understand why this happens to me over and over and over again? How does it happen?”

And the words that came to me were, “Because you weren’t done yet.”

She looked at me and said, “But Susan, this is a new girlfriend – not the old one.”

And I said, “I know, but there is a pattern set inside of you that you are trying desperately to break – and for some reason you haven’t been able to break it yet. It’s not your fault, and soon you will find a better path to walk for yourself and no one will be able to hurt you anymore.”

The poem at the beginning of today’s blog was on my mind when I had this conversation with the former resident. The imagery of falling into the same hole over and over again struck me as an experience parallel to hers. The holes of life will continue to try to suck us in, but we get smarter and smarter through every fall. We can learn how to walk around these holes. It just takes practice. And I believe we all need a community that supports and believes in the possibility of navigating the tricky terrain of life until we can find a new street. I hope Renewal House can continue to serve as that beloved community for the women and men who come to us for refuge.

A Shared Journey Toward Healing

(by guest blogger Ann Taylor, Overnight Advocate)

I have been working at Renewal House for almost 15 years and I love the work. I started as a part-time overnight advocate for one or two nights a week and eventually took on the Monday-Friday position.

My story is interesting because I found out about Renewal House through a training led by then-director Joyce King at my other job. I liked Joyce and I liked what she had to say about the work. So I stayed in touch with her and eventually started working at Renewal House.

It wasn’t until after I started at Renewal House that I learned exactly what domestic violence was -- and that I, too, was a survivor of domestic violence. As I went through the training and listened to the stories of the women in our program, I could relate to what they were saying. It was as though that story, that part of myself, had been tucked away in the inner part of my spirit – and then it was able to show itself once I was in the safety of this community. Before that time, my abusive relationship was something that had just happened – and then it went away – and I had never really healed from it. When I started working at Renewal House I knew I needed to work on that, to talk about it and acknowledge it. I have had many opportunities to do that with other staff and with a counselor, and I can say that I have come to peace with it now. It was powerful to realize that I am a survivor, just like the guests here at Renewal House.

Sometimes I will share my experience with the residents here, but not always. I am careful about when it makes sense to share my story and when it doesn’t. There are times when I know it will be helpful to share the information, just so they know that I understand some of what they are going through. I know my experience is not the same as theirs, but we do have a common bond because of making it through. I know how it felt when it happened to me, and I know how important it is to have people supporting you through your healing. And I am grateful to Renewal House for being a part of my healing as well.

What I like the most about working at Renewal House are the people I get to meet and the stories I hear while they stay with us. Everyone has such intricate and complicated stories, and serving as a holding place for them and all of the pain they have suffered is meaningful to me. I also love to see the progress they make in their own healing, both for themselves and their children. That is a blessing!

I help to lead the spirituality group once a week in the shelter, and I appreciate this opportunity to give space to residents to share from their hearts. It’s a wonderful resource for them to have in addition to the domestic violence and parenting groups. It is place for them to express their joys and concerns in the context of their own faith, whatever that might be. Sometimes we sit in silence, sometimes we sing, sometimes we laugh and talk, sometimes there are tears – and all of it is healing for them as individuals and as a community of survivors. I feel lucky to have the chance to walk this journey with them.

Support Systems Can Hinder as Well as Help

Many of the residents who come to Renewal House have little or no health insurance. Fortunately, the state of Massachusetts has several plans to cover and care for folks that are homeless, living in shelter or below the poverty level. We also partner with Boston Healthcare for the Homeless Program (BHCHP). Each month, a nurse from BHCHP visits Renewal House to meet with residents and discuss any health concerns they may have. If a resident requires assistance in between visits, we can call the nurse for information and referrals.

Homeless and poor individuals face enormous struggles around healthcare. We have had residents run out of prescriptions needed for mental health and other medical issues – and have to wait weeks to resolve the issue. We have seen residents have their health insurance cancelled without warning and with no reason given. We have had residents who have been refused services because they are from out of state. We had one resident who struggled with substance abuse issues go to the hospital complaining of back pain and come home with a two-week prescription of Vicodin.

One resident who moved to Massachusetts from Puerto Rico had a young son with a broken collar bone. He was treated in Puerto Rico and provided with a brace, but he required follow-up care here. When his mom called to make an appointment, she was told the earliest appointment they could have was in four months. We were able to call Boston Healthcare for the Homeless and the boy was seen within two weeks. However, when she arrived for her appointment, she was greeted by the doctor and an investigation team from the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Concern for the boy, it turns out, resulted in the medical appointment becoming an investigation of whether she was a “fit” mother. Fortunately, we had sent her with a bilingual Renewal House advocate who was able to help her through the interview. Although I understand why they felt the need to investigate this particular situation, I also recognize the vulnerability of this mother who was trying to do the right thing for herself and her son, but found herself scrutinized from all angles.

Just yesterday, I attended a consultation with a Department of Children and Families social worker, who said something I found very interesting. She said that once a family is in the DCF system, it is actually harder for them to get out than it is to stay in. She explained that once you are DCF-involved, you are watched for the rest of your days. A parent must be vigilant in all they do from that day forward to prove and re-prove their fitness as a parent. The parents we work with who are DCF-involved live in constant fear of having their children taken from them. This omnipresent fear is not supportive to the families. They feel further oppressed, afraid and defeated.

All services available to domestic violence victims are potentially hurtful and manipulative instead of helpful. It is a tricky dynamic, because the experience of being abused causes victims and survivors to believe they are powerless and weak, and unable to stand up for themselves. That is our role as advocates/intermediaries, and yet even we occasionally find ourselves overwhelmed by the systems that are meant to be helpful, but in reality can be oppressive and inflexible.

One final thought: Did you know that domestic violence is considered a pre-existing condition in seven states, including Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota and Wyoming, as well as the District of Columbia? Fortunately, debates are occurring at the Federal level to prohibit this practice. But it is shocking and disgraceful that insurers can currently refuse to cover injuries sustained by those who suffer abuse in the home. It is also another case of the system further victimizing those who desperately need services.

Confronting the Myths of Domestic Violence

(by guest blogger Colleen Armstrong, Renewal House Advocate)

Since joining the Renewal House staff a year ago, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to have many wonderful conversations with many different individuals about domestic violence. Over and over again, I have heard the same questions asked and have heard the same myths about domestic violence perpetuated. Prior to working at Renewal House, I also believed many of these myths to be true. Now, I am keenly aware of how often I hear these myths repeated, not just from people in the community but also in the news and in pop culture.

I recall a conversation I had with my neighbor. He was fascinated by my job and wanted to know if there was anyway he could do to be helpful. He was grateful that there was a place where abused individuals could go. Then he asked me if we only helped the women that deserved it, not the women who “provoked” the abuse. I asked him what he meant by this. He described the archetype of the “good victim”: middle class, English speaking, documented, educated. And he was right in some respects -- domestic violence happens to middle class, English speaking, documented, educated women and men. Of course, it also happens to undocumented, non-native-English-speaking, working class men and women. Any individual can find themselves battered, and it is never the fault of the victim. No one deserves to be abused.

Domestic violence victims, however, frequently hear comments from their abusers such as, “I did it for your own good.” Outsiders will tell them, “you must have really made him mad.” These statements can confuse a victim and lead him/her to take responsibility for the violence and blame themselves. But no one can be responsible for another person’s deliberate choices and actions. Regardless of the circumstances, domestic violence is not the victim’s fault.

I often hear the residents of Renewal House take responsibility for the abuse and blame themselves for staying in the relationship when they knew it was unhealthy. I remind them that it is never their fault. But when the encouragement and affirmation they receive from Renewal House staff is countered by condemnation from their communities, victims continue to blame themselves. I am encouraged when I hear others stand up for victims, reminding the blamers that the abuse is never the victim’s fault. I believe that standing up for victims by confronting those who would blame them is an important part of ending domestic violence. I encourage you take a stand when you hear someone ask a victim what they did to cause this situation.

The Lives We Touch

Recently, I received an email from a member of an area congregation. Her message was one of thanks to me and my staff at Renewal House for the work we do providing shelter for families and individuals. She made a point to also thank us for our efforts around community outreach and education, particularly with churches. I asked her if I could share her story (anonymously, of course), and she agreed. I will call her Laurel, and here is her story:

Laurel lived in a suburb of Boston and was well connected in the community and within her congregation. About six months ago, she had to leave it all behind because of the domestic violence in her home and the havoc it caused in her life. She moved to the Western U.S., where members of her family are able to support her and her two small children. But before she moved she tried to talk about her experience in her church – and received little support or understanding. She tried to seek out domestic violence resources locally, but was turned away due to lack of space and because the abuse was not physical. She even reached out to a local psychiatric hospital for supportive services, but when she called to do an intake they told her she needed to go to the emergency room. She called the mental health clinic and left a message, but never received a return phone call. She felt as though she had nowhere else to turn. She knew she needed to get out, but it seemed like a fight just to accomplish that.

She has since moved and has found great resources where she is currently living. Her family and friends have helped immensely, as have local domestic violence programs that understand what she went through and include her experience in their definition of domestic abuse. She has since contacted the local Massachusetts program to share her concern over their limited understanding of the reality of domestic violence. I was pleased to hear that the staff person stated that things had changed and they were sorry for not helping her in her time of need.

In many ways, things are looking up for Laurel. However, she still has interactions with professionals who do not understand her experience. There was the OBGYN, for example, who responded to Laurel’s story by saying “well, good luck.” And her primary care doctor simply said to her, “you really need to find some support for yourself.” These interactions aren’t quite as tough for Laurel now as they would have been in the past, but they are a constant reminder to her of how painful it is to reach out and receive no understanding or support.

Laurel told me that even her family had been affected by the abuse. She was isolated from them as a result of her relationship and her partner had made it difficult for her to maintain a healthy, close relationship with anyone. Fortunately, when Laurel returned home to her family, they were able to recognize the abuse for what it was and not blame her for its impact on their lives and relationships.

Laurel is healing and moving on in her life now. She wrote me to share her story and to thank me for the work of Renewal House. In doing so, she also provided us with an excellent example of how the “system” and well-meaning individuals can still fail them during times of real need.

Laurel’s story is a reminder to all of us in the domestic violence field that there is much more to be done in terms of awareness, education and service delivery. Sadly, there are others out there right now who are struggling to find the right person or place to help them leave an abusive situation and begin to heal.

Seeing Beyond Belief

On Sunday, the UU Urban Ministry (our parent organization) held a wonderful event led by Unitarian Universalist theologian Thandeka. Despite the rain and cold, more than 80 people came to the UUUM’s facilities at First Church in Roxbury to think together about how Unitarian Universalists can “see beyond belief.”

What I liked the most about the event was the way Thandeka brought all of us in attendance into the conversation. We weren’t there just to sit back and listen – Thandeka sought the participation and contributions of everybody. We were there to reflect and share, and even dare to show ourselves. It was lovely!

Thandeka used the movie “About Schmidt” with actor Jack Nicholson as a way of engaging us in a conversation about how people can become disconnected from one another and their own feelings. Thandeka had us investigate Jack Nicholson’s character, Warren Schmidt, by observing how he interacts with others and how he views his relationships. We were able to see him as isolated, frustrated, angry, sad, numb and much more. Gradually, through the afternoon conversation, we began to see that there is a little bit of Schmidt in all of us. And then Thandeka gave us the task of imagining how someone like Schmidt would experience a visit to a Unitarian Universalist congregation. What would the experience be like for him and his imagined adopted child from Africa? Would he be one of the statistical 5 out of 7 visitors who never return to a UU church? We broke up into small groups to discuss this question and create skits to depict the imagined experience.

There were moments of wonderful shared poignancy throughout our afternoon together. And what I enjoyed the most was the opportunity to hear other’s thoughts – to really just listen and imagine the possibility that we are all inextricably connected, and to ponder together the question of what that means.

Then this morning I received this quote from Paolo Friere’s Pedagogy of the Oppressed:

"Attempting to liberate the oppressed without their reflective participation in the act of liberation is to treat them as objects which must be saved from a burning building; it is to lead them into the populist pitfall and transform them into masses which can be manipulated. At all stages of their liberation, the oppressed must see themselves as women and men engaged in the ontological* and historical vocation of becoming more fully human."

All of this is a helpful reminder to me and to all of the staff, volunteers and interns of Renewal House. Truly, the women and men we serve in our program at Renewal House are engaged in the ontological and historical vocation of becoming more fully human. They are in crisis and come to us from a particularly oppressed place of pain and hurt – but they are still whole people, just like us.

Schmidt, residents of Renewal House, UU members and ministers -- all of us – are individuals engaged in a struggle to find and make meaning, to form connections and keep hope alive for ourselves and for those we care for.

I am grateful to have had this opportunity to “see beyond belief” and to be part of a community that takes the time to reflect on what it means to become more fully human.

* a particular theory about the nature of being

Domestic Violence at All Stages of Life

Last night, at our candlelight vigil honoring the victims of domestic violence in Massachusetts over the last year, we read the names of all the individuals who died as a result of domestic violence in 2009. The names included 15 women, five men and three children. Their stories are a vivid reminder that domestic violence transcends age, social class, race, gender and sexual orientation/identity. As the Director of Renewal House, of course, I already knew this. But seeing the names and reading the stories enabled me to see it more clearly.

You can read their stories by going to http://www.janedoe.org/ and clicking “Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2009.”

As I read their names and ages, I was also struck by how many of these domestic violence victims were over the age of 50. Most of our guests at Renewal House are 35 and under. The fact that those who seek shelter are typically younger than 40 painfully illuminates the silent struggles experienced by those older people who have been in domestic violence relationships for years and years. It is simply terrible to be that stuck, isolated, and abused without any assistance or anywhere to turn.

I recently received an email from Jane Doe, Inc. (our statewide network of domestic violence and sexual assault providers) announcing that the Social Security Administration had distributed sets of domestic violence awareness posters to 1,900 supervisors in their offices across the country. Finally, in 2009, the 50,000+ employees of our country’s largest connector to individuals 65 and over now have access to domestic violence resources. This is both a resource for the people they serve, as well as for their own employees. The Social Security Administration, like many hospitals and other large employers, has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to support employees and their families in times of crisis and difficulty. By raising awareness around domestic violence – and offering resources – thousands of people are no longer isolated in their bubble of abuse. We have begun recognizing their struggles and providing resources for their journey towards healing.

As 50 of us gathered last night at the UU Urban Ministry to honor those who had lost their lives due to domestic violence, I was grateful to be part of a community that cares and puts that care into action. And, amidst the sadness and the pain of the loss of 23 lives, I am reminded of how many lives we have positively impacted by offering safety, support and community to individuals and families who decide to leave the abuse behind and begin anew.

What Should We Tell Our Children About Domestic Violence?

We are often asked this question by religious educators, parents and teachers who contact us about wanting their children to do a service project with Renewal House. The adults are interested in providing the children with a picture of what life in a shelter might look like and why families or individuals might need to live there.

I believe that children are capable of understanding why people need shelter, even domestic violence shelter. Granted, children do not need to know all of the details about the violence; but they can certainly understand that, sometimes, it does not make sense for two adults to live together anymore. And sometimes families have no other friends and family with whom they can live, so they have to go into shelter.

It is important to stress that these families are not “bad” or even “different” from your family. The adult shelter residents are trying to do the best they can for themselves and their children. The children like to do the same kinds of things that other children do. And sometimes, shelter is the best choice for everyone. Once in shelter, the children can still go to school and day care. They can still have friends and go on play dates and do fun things. However, because they live in shelter, they cannot have friends over to play at their house, and sometimes they cannot have all of their toys with them.

Moving into a shelter – particularly a domestic violence shelter – can sometimes be a quick and jarring transition for children and adults. The parent may have been thinking about it for a while. He or she may have some bags packed and hidden somewhere, ready to go. The children may not know this. When it is time to go to shelter, the children often can only chose one toy or special item to bring. At other times, they cannot even do that. Going to a domestic violence shelter is often done in secret, because the parents are having such a hard time that it is better just to leave immediately.

Renewal House tries very hard to ease the transition for newly arriving children. When they first arrive, we give them a welcome toy and a handmade quilt (made by one of our UU quilting groups). We also provide an orientation about what it means to be in shelter, including our rules, special features for children, where the toys are kept, and when the volunteers come to play with them. We are currently working on a new “welcome book” for each child who comes to Renewal House. The children can use the book to tell us more about themselves, as well as to process what it’s like leaving home and being in shelter.

Children are capable of hearing the stories of people/families in shelter, even domestic violence shelters. It is useful for them to know this information early on, and to have a chance to ask questions about what a healthy relationship looks like and what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Even if the children themselves are witnessing domestic violence, this information is ok for them to know. For it is a breaking of the silence of their experiences, enabling them to see that other people understand their reality and that resources are available to them and their families. Children are smart, and they will know how to use this information for themselves, and who in their family (or school or church) is the right person with whom to talk with about it.

Not in My Church

Last year, Renewal House hosted an event in partnership with the Department of Public Health entitled “A Call to Action.” The idea was to bring together members of those Unitarian Universalist churches that support the UU Urban Ministry and Renewal House to discuss how communities of faith could support victims and survivors of domestic violence within their congregations and communities.

It seemed like a fun, interesting and engaging topic to me. I like this work. I find it challenging and overwhelming at times, but I always feel as though I am doing something meaningful. So providing a forum where compassionate people could share with each other and figure out how to more fully engage their communities in this area felt hopeful to me. Plus, the notion of a group of people from across Metro Boston who saw themselves as vehicles for ending domestic violence and supporting victims/survivors -- and even batterers -- in getting the support needed to live healthy, whole lives – well, it took some of the pressure off of me. Having more resource to turn to is a real blessing, particularly in work that can sometimes be isolating and emotionally draining.

The event went well. We had a nice conversation, and people were interested and engaged. However, the attendance was small, with only six of the UU Urban Ministry’s 55 member churches represented that day. I do not mean to rebuke these churches and individuals, as there are many possible reasons for the small turnout. Sunday afternoon events are often in conflict with competing events, for example, and the topic may have felt intimidating or too heavy. Given how busy people are, a workshop on domestic violence may have felt like just the thing to drop from a packed schedule. But it did make me wonder how to engage more people in this work in a way that feels easy and inviting.

During “A Call to Action,” we had folks divide into small groups to discuss ways they could engage their congregations in the subject of domestic violence and/or supporting victims and survivors in their communities. The attendees came up with some good ideas and there was great conversation. However, many of the groups kept getting “hung up” on the idea of accepting that batterers and victims could actually be members of their churches. People often find it difficult to imagine batterers sitting next to them in the pews – or even victims/survivors who may feel silenced, ashamed or embarrassed and unable to share their story.

The truth is that statistics indicate that members of faith communities are victims of domestic violence at the same rate as those who are not. One in four women and one in nine men are victims of violence in the home. Domestic violence affects people of all races, classes, genders and sexual orientations.

The imperative for all of us is to recognize that even the men and women who seem the most “together” in our congregations and communities can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Victims need a community of healing. Batterers need a community of accountability. And what better place to accomplish this justice work than in the context of a faith community, where we believe transformation is possible – not only for the people to whom we minister, but also for ourselves.

Domestic violence is occurring in families within your congregation. It is up to faith communities to determine how to address this reality and provide space where victims and perpetrators can share their stories and receive the support they need in a context of hope, healing with the possibility of transformative justice.

Why Doesn’t She/He Leave?

We are asked this question in countless settings where we speak about domestic violence and educate people about the realities of victims’ lives. And the answers are varied.

I must admit that when I began at Renewal House, I had the same perspective. Why wouldn’t someone leave when it is clearly an unhealthy and abusive relationship? And what I have come to realize is that people have numerous reasons for staying – and, in many cases, why staying is actually the best option they can figure out for themselves and for their children.

Now don’t get me wrong – we do not advocate that people stay in abusive relationships. However, each individual must make the decision to leave when he/she is ready. Statistics show that people in violent relationships leave an average of seven times before they permanently leave.

People stay for many reasons: love, lack of money, security, disability, divorce not allowed in their culture/faith tradition, a belief it is best for the children, immigration status, hope that it will get better, a belief that they deserve the abuse…and the list goes on and on.

In fact, the most dangerous period for a victim – when there is the highest risk of homicide – is when they leave. Often, the victim can feel that because he/she has left the abusive relationship, all should be well. However, this sense of safety can prove to be deadly. A victim may go live with friends or family, while continuing to go to work and live his/her life as usual. It is at these times that the abuser has lost control of the situation/person, feels most vulnerable, and may lash out. At times, victims can forget about the danger – and, if not connected to supportive services for victims of domestic violence, this can be further exacerbated by the notion that once one has left, he or she is safe.

Sometimes, then, staying is a decision that can make sense for the moment.

When I first began working at Renewal House, a woman called me and asked if she could come in and talk with me about how to “get rid of my husband and get custody of my child back.” She came in and she told me her story of abuse and violence, pain and brokenness. She had a lot of paperwork from police calls and court meetings. She pulled them all out and asked, “What can you do to make all of this better for me?” I looked at her and explained that, unfortunately, I could not do anything to make it better. I could point her to resources, tell her about some legal options, and get her connected to others who could support her, but it would take her “drive” to get all of this done.

At that moment I felt both helpless and strangely triumphant. It is true that there is a great deal of pain in the lives of the people we work with at Renewal House. It is difficult to see that pain each day. But taking care of the situation for them actually does no good. It does take a lot of work to heal and move on from an abusive relationship. There is so much to give attention to, and so much that is emotionally draining. And yet, that is all a part of the healing process.

Sometimes, we aren’t ready to leave. We haven’t finished yet. There is something more to take care of and/or resolve. But when someone does leave, she/he must face all of the work it will take to make the necessary changes in their life to truly move from violence and abuse to wholeness and joy.

What Can I Do to Support Victims of Domestic Violence?

We are often asked this question. Folks are educated about domestic violence, learn about our program and feel compelled to do something. Here is a list of ideas that you can do for Renewal House or for another domestic violence program in your area. The list is a compilation of what our volunteers and churches do for the residents of our shelter.

• Make welcome bags (with toiletries, wash cloth and towel) for an individual and/or family. Write a note for the bag indicating your hope for safety for the family/individual. Include a small toy or coloring book/crayons for children.
• Knit a prayer shawl and donate to a shelter.
• Host a supply drive for household cleaning supplies and/or gently used linens and kitchen items (it’s always best to call a shelter and find out what their particular needs are)
• Host a discussion group on domestic violence, preferably with intergenerational representation to bring in all kinds of perspectives. You could invite an advocate from a local domestic violence program to attend the discussion and share information to get the conversation started.
• Volunteer in a shelter (playing with children, for example, or mentoring adults).
• Bring up domestic violence as a prayer concern during worship.
• Host a shelter family or a group of families for dinner or an outing.
• Confront sexist comments and jokes.
• Sponsor a painting day at a local shelter.
• Pick up food from the food bank and deliver to the shelter.
• Volunteer to teach an ESL class.
• Talk with your children about domestic violence and what a healthy relationship looks like.
  Celebrate White Ribbon Day on Valentine’s Day at your work or faith community. White Ribbon Day is a campaign calling for men to be allies in the effort to end domestic violence.
• Be aware of legislation in your state that has to do with domestic violence and sexual assault and be sure you let your elected officials know this is an important cause for you and for your community.
• Partner with a shelter and a community group/faith community to collect used furniture and other household items for the shelter or for shelter residents moving into their own housing
• Plan and host a holiday activity (Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) and have shelter residents/families be special guests.
• Bring up domestic violence in conversations to indicate to friends and family that you are comfortable talking about it.
• Pray for victims of domestic violence, the batterers and children.
• Have a quilting group make quilts for children in the shelter.
• Host a kitchen/bathroom shower for a shelter.
• Host a candlelight vigil honoring the victims of domestic violence in your community.
• Contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask how you can get involved.

Secondary Trauma Among Domestic Violence Workers

I learned early on at Renewal House that having a good team is essential. This kind of work requires a team that functions well together and whose members trust each other, have good communication skills, and a passion for the job. At Renewal House, we are blessed to have a good team. Working with victims of domestic violence is wonderful, difficult work. At times, one can feel overwhelmed by the painful, tragic stories of abuse and violence told by the individuals and families at the shelter, in the community, or on the hotline.

One of the dangers for people working with victims of violence is burning out from listening to the stories. And one of the signs of burnout is complete numbness to all emotions. It can happen gradually over the course of 10 years from listening to horrific stories of violence and abuse, or it can happen in the period of a few short days or months. All of us have different thresholds for exposure to the darkest sides of human behavior – sometimes we can let it go, and sometimes it can overwhelm us and hold us captive.

In Massachusetts, a great deal of work has been done in the field of domestic violence regarding secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is what I have described above – hearing stories of abuse and violence second-hand and being traumatized by it. Beth Isreal Deaconess Medical Center’s Center for Violence Prevention and Recovery now holds groups for domestic violence advocates to address the issue of secondary trauma. Many of our advocates at Renewal House have participated in this group and have found it helpful.

When I became director of Renewal House four years ago, I was consumed with wanting the shelter to run professionally. I worked with the staff to create new and better ways to track our work. I created a resident handbook that provides an introduction to our program for new guests. I reached out to other domestic violence providers for insight on how things were run at their programs. I tried to bring in as many outside resources as possible. And, overall, it was effective.

But Renewal House not only functions well professionally, it is a faith-based shelter – the only one in Massachusetts – equipping us to both do the work as well as care for ourselves. We minister to ourselves through regular staff meetings and supervision, as well as personal conversations about our struggles and issues. We rely on one another for support. In addition, a volunteer who works as a psychiatric nurse and is a member of the UU church in Chestnut Hill has been leading our staff in a quarterly secondary trauma/self-care group. This provides us with an opportunity to debrief and decompress, address the situations we didn’t have time for in the rush to get the work done, and a time just to be together as a community acknowledging that, together, we are vessels that hold the stories of those we serve. And in these times we can see that we are not alone. We support one another as we continue this journey of walking with individuals and families who have come to us in crisis and need to be heard, respected and accepted.

Children and Domestic Violence

When I arrived as Director of Renewal House, I had a lot of preconceptions that were incorrect about this work and the reality of life in a domestic violence shelter. One of the things that caught me off guard the most was the lack of services and support for children. For the most part, the model of domestic violence programs is based on providing support and services to adult victims and expecting them to either secure services for their children separately, or serve as the sole counselors for their children through this transition.

As a parent myself, I knew this was not helpful, so I began seeking resources that we could provide to the children of our guests. For children are, in fact, victims/survivors of domestic violence as well. They witness abuse and, whether it is physical, mental, emotional or financial, they are aware of the pain and dysfunction it causes in their life. Perhaps children are not aware of the subtler forms of abuse as much as adults are, but the repercussions are great and children are much more perceptive than we imagine. They are like sponges that soak up everything around them. But when children or young people are soaking up the nuances of an abusive relationship, their understanding of what is good and healthy is often skewed.

Renewal House is pleased to have received funding from a private donor to establish an art therapy program here at the shelter for the children who are living here. Thanks to Jim and Susan Shumaker, we have had this programming in place for three years now and it has been a great benefit to our children and to the parents. Our art therapist, Daniela, does an amazing job of getting the children to enjoy themselves while they are exploring their feelings. They are allowed to show their joy as well as their anger. And Daniela provides space for them to be themselves completely.

The other amazing benefit of the art therapy program is the connection that develops between parent and child. Often, the relationship between parent and child has been fractured as a result of living in an abusive environment. There is a lack of trust, connection and confidence within the relationship. The art therapy program gives parent and children the chance to strengthen their relationships through play. It happens organically, and it is a wonder to watch.

Renewal House now has a part-time Children’s Advocate, Alex Kamin, who coordinates children’s activities in the shelter and supervises the volunteers who spend time with the children. Additionally, Renewal House is pleased to have Carmen Rojas as our contract therapist. Carmen brings a wealth of experience working with both adult and child survivors of domestic violence. Her attention to individuals and families, as well as to Renewal House staff, makes a real difference.

Breaking the cycle of domestic violence includes caring for the youngest witnesses, because today’s children are tomorrow’s adults. They will bring about transformation in their own lives and in the world if we can help them embrace the vision of whole and right relationship in a context of safety and hope.

Expanding our Mission: Providing Shelter for Members of the GLBT Community

Last year, Renewal House staff, volunteers and interns went through training with The Network/La Red to become “culturally competent” in serving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender survivors of domestic violence. The training was a positive experience for our team. In the beginning, there was uneasiness among staff about this process: What would this mean for our shelter? How would our residents feel about living with a man - much less a gay man? Would this change in our residents mean a change in our mission?

The training began in a very basic way, with definitions about terminology. There was space for people to ask questions, admit ignorance, and try out new language. We had some good laughs. We had some arguments. We shed some tears. We listened to stories of real people who had experienced tremendous abuse and, when seeking supportive services, had been re-victimized by a system that refused to serve them. By the end of our 20 hours of training, it was clear that our mission need not change – it merely had to expand.

As an American Baptist minister, I know my denomination has its share of trouble accepting LGBT people into churches, as leaders and ministers. But one thing I knew for sure was that the Unitarian Universalist denomination was very clear in its open, welcome inclusion of all people. So when the state changed its regulations and said all state-funded domestic violence agencies must not discriminate based upon race, gender or sexual orientation, I knew what our next step should – and would -- be. I was proud to be working in an organization and with a denomination that really “got it.” All people deserve to have full access to services -- especially those who have been abused and victimized.

At the beginning of this process, I was unsure about how it would go. The staff was concerned about the process. My supervisor questioned how it would affect the female residents to have to share bathrooms with a male. One resident told me she would not allow her children to be around gay people because it wasn’t safe and it may “turn them gay.”

I am grateful for The Network/La Red and other individual members of the GLBT domestic violence coalition who provided support, insight and a step-by-step process to make our transition as smooth as possible. I will never forget when we received the first phone call from a male survivor looking for space – and we were ready to accept him. “We do accept male survivors of domestic violence into our program,” I said to him, “and I want you to know you will be the first one. We will do the best we can – and I hope you will tell us if/when we mess up.” He laughed and said, “I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

A few months later I was sitting in the shelter office doing some work at the computer. I heard laughter in the shelter and happy conversation. I looked out at the gathered group, which included a Latina mother and 4-year-old son, a white gay male, and an African American transgender female. They were playing a game of memory –laughing, talking and having fun. And I thought, “Now this is God’s kingdom here on earth – and I am blessed to catch just a glimpse of it.”