Partners in Faith

Over the last few years, I have felt the need to reach out to all those who are working in the area of faith-based organizing and domestic violence. It is important for us to share the work we are doing, support one another, and perhaps to find ways to work collaboratively.

On December 2, we hosted a gathering at the UU Urban Ministry that brought this group of people together. Fifteen women gathered for the meeting, with several others wishing to be there but unable to attend. A fascinating conversation ensued regarding the work of faith-based organizing in Boston and across Massachusetts. It was a candid discussion, with folks discussing the challenges of allowing survivors of domestic violence to express their faith within the context of groups, shelters or programs that were not receptive to “faith talk.” We discussed how faith can make a strong impact on survivors’ ability to heal, yet social workers and domestic violence facilities can be quite resistant to integrating faith, and can even feel threatened by faith or clergy. We also discussed how some clergy don’t know the reality of domestic violence and can cause more harm than good for a survivor who is struggling to decide if God condones the way she/he is being treated in their relationship.

As you can see, the conversation was rich. We discussed promising practices that are working in various domestic violence programs, such as spiritual retreats, spirituality/healing groups and trainings of clergy and faith groups in domestic violence. We brainstormed about ways we could reach out to the domestic violence/sexual assault programs in Massachusetts to provide education and resources on integrating spirituality/faith into their programs. And we dreamed about the possibilities of having chaplains that could offer spiritual resource and support to program staff/volunteers/interns.

As the time came to a close, I mentioned that we needed to wrap up. Everyone was amazed that the time had gone by so quickly. One person commented how nice it was to be in a room of support around issues of faith, saying it felt like something she had been searching for and was happy to have found. And when I asked if we should set another meeting, all agreed with a resounding YES! So we will meet again, and continue to support one another and dream of ways we can get better connected.

Some people and faith communities who we wished would attend were missing, and we will need to do more work to bring others to the table. However, it was a good beginning that supports survivors who want to discuss their faith and how it has helped them to heal. It also supports those who work in the domestic violence field who want to discuss how their faith has kept them going, as well as survivors who need to share the reality of spiritual abuse they suffered through their relationship that continues to haunt them. We call ourselves “Partners in Faith” and we are hopeful that we can offer a hopeful, supportive resource that can bridge the church/state barriers as we all acknowledge the importance of addressing the FULL person in their journey to healing.

The Importance of Playtime and Hands-On Parenting

One of the new and innovative programs we offer to Renewal House residents who are also parents is individual playtime with their children. Supported by a staff person or volunteers, this playtime is dedicated to intentional interaction between parent and child. We were motivated to provide this program because we noticed that many of the mothers we work with are so overwhelmed by their situation and the reality of living in a shelter that they sometimes forget to play with their children. And, as a result of the abuse they experienced in their relationships, some of the parents have lost their relationships with their children. Ironically, their stay in shelter can actually be a time of rebuilding the trust and love between parent and child.

When you think about it, our society offers little support for "play." We are supposed to be working, doing something, contributing. But as we all know, play is the way young people learn, the way they interact and make sense of the world they live in. And to have a parent or other ally play with them helps them to know that they are not tackling this project of learning and living on their own.

The first night that our Boston College PULSE interns offered one-on-one play for two of our children and their mom, I happened to be working late and got to listen to the interaction. The children were thrilled to have time with their mom. And mom was sweetly attentive to the children, participating in an art project with one and playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with the other. Each of the one-on-one playtime sessions were only 20 minutes long, and yet those 20 minutes were invaluable to the connection these family members made with one another.

As a parent, I find it difficult some weeks to "decide" to take time to just be with my son. And being a single parent, playtime competes with making dinner, cleaning the house, overseeing homework, making sure baths are taken, reading, and ensuring we will be ready for tomorrow. There are so many demands on parents from all angles that it is hard to believe that setting aside time to give full attention to our children is valued and, in fact, necessary. And yet it's clear that when I am able to give that time and attention to my son it makes a difference in his life and in mine, and definitely creates a stronger bond between us. I can tell he knows that I am with him and that he can therefore tell me how things really are going for him at school or with his friends, or even in his own mind or dreams. I am his resource, as is his father. It is our job to give him attention and care - not just to feed and clothe him - to help him process the joys and struggles of life.

All children need parents. And many of us have had parents that were unable to attend to us in the ways that we needed. But that is not a reason to just "settle" for providing the minimum of what we can give as parents. We are constantly called upon to learn and grow from the past and build on it for a brighter future. It is work, though, and work that unfortunately is not highly respected or hugely supported.

There are a few great programs in Boston for children who have witnessed domestic violence. The ones we work with are "Child Witness to Violence" at Boston Medical Center and the Children's program at the South End Community Health Center. Both of these programs are fabulous and can offer great resources, and yet it is often difficult to get parents to go. Additionally, at times there are waiting lists for the programs, which can be a further deterrent for parents who want/need something NOW. Thus, we decided to start this work in order to provide a resource to our families, to offer a "taste" of what could be more fully experienced in one of these programs, and to let parents and children know we believe more than anything that the health of their relationships are vital to their healing.

Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships

Renewal House advocate Colleen Armstrong and Roxbury Youth Programs coordinator Angela Cespedes attended a training session for a Safe Dates curriculum on healthy communication/relationships and dating geared toward middle and high school students. The training was offered by Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts statewide consortium of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. Beginning in the fall, we have begun reaching out to the Mission Hill community to offer the nine-week curriculum to local programs. We began with Roxbury Youth Programs' high school seniors and in the Spring we will be working with RYP middle schoolers. We recently received confirmation that we will be providing the program for 6th, 7th and 8th graders at Mission Hill School and we are working on getting into two other schools in our neighborhood. In addition, we will be adjusting the curriculum to provide it to 9- to 12-year-old girls through an after-school program at Sociedad Latina. We are very excited to be working in the area of education and prevention, an area that is so vitally important, and yet under-developed in Renewal House due to our limited staffing.

Two weeks ago I attended one of the sessions led by Colleen and our Simmons social work intern, Charmaine, for Roxbury Youth Programs. Following a presentation and review of past sessions, the young people divided into groups of three to work on role-playing exercises. Finding myself in a group with two young women, I was fascinated to see how the young people got into their roles. The first exercise was a scenario between a boy and a girl having difficulty in their dating relationship due to the boy's jealousy of the girl's extra-curricular activities. It was a difficult role play because the girls found themselves wanting to change their activities to appease the boy - and I kept encouraging them to find a way to stay strong in what they wanted to do rather than in what they thought he wanted them to do. They did a nice job of tackling the challenge.

The second role-playing exercise was between two girls, and involved one girl accusing her friend of being too flirty with her boyfriend. The first girl had just broken up with the boyfriend but was clearly still in love with him. And the second girl could tell that the boy was now interested in her and she was enjoying the attention. Soon the discussion escalated into an argument, with both girls accusing one another of terrible behavior and trying to hurt the other. The argument focused around whom the boy belonged to, who he liked better and why. The goal of the exercise, as with the previous one, was to try to find possible ways out of the argument and instead supporting one another. For these two girls, a peaceful resolution seemed impossible. I tried to encourage them to look at ways they could fight their way out of the argument, but it only ended in further derogatory comments and accusations.

At the end of the exercise, I reflected on how easy it seemed for two very good friends to get stuck in this scenario. The focus was not on their common annoyance with a boy who was so clearly "playing" both of them, but rather on what each girl was doing to perpetuate the relationship and its hurtful impact on the other. I was struck by how powerful sexism is - how it traps women/girls in fighting over men and blinds us to the reality that our patriarchal society is hurtful to us all. Why do we - as women - choose to turn on one another rather toward one another? How does sexism and misogyny have such power and control over both men and women? It is as if we are all blinded by the ways we have been hurt and would rather strike out to hurt another rather than truly feel the pain of victimization and work to end it for ourselves and for others.

I am proud to offer the Safe Dates curriculum as another branch of the work of Renewal House, and I look forward to finding ways we can continue to engage young people. This curriculum enables us to provide young people with tools that they can use to more critically think about all of their relationships.

The Enduring Blessing of Joy

This past Saturday Renewal House held its annual holiday party, which has been hosted by First Parish Church in Kingston for the past 10 years. First Parish member Mary Ann Barrow is dedicated to working with us to create a lovely party for current and former residents that includes food, holiday crafts for all ages, singing, and of course presents. Our residents and former residents look forward to the gathering every year – and the preparations begin in early November. Having the holiday party each year on the first Saturday in December is a cheerful way to ring in the holiday season. For many of our current and former guests, the holidays are not full of joy and thanksgiving. The onset of the holidays is a reminder of how hard life has been and continues to be. And those who already struggle with depression and anxiety find themselves feeling all the more trapped by their pain and “trapped” in a shelter – with little money or enthusiasm for the “season of cheer.” The Renewal House holiday party provides a little lift to the spirits of those who feel overwhelmed by so much uncertainty and transience.

This year, the holiday party included invitations to approximately 35 families, including more than 60 children. Renewal House staff braced ourselves for a chaotic day. Some years the Holiday party can feel like a whole lot of work – when people do not get along, for example, or when presents go missing or a child gets hurt. All of these things are normal happenings, and yet because it is a Holiday party it just doesn’t seem like this is the way things should be.

Despite the record numbers of guests and fears of the worst, I realized halfway through the party I was feeling calm and genuinely happy. Everyone participated in the crafts. Folks were enjoying mingling with one another and sharing the food. Church members, volunteers, residents and former residents were making connections and simply enjoying being together. It was a lovely afternoon!

The usual schedule involves a cleaning-up effort when the party is winding down, and then everyone forms a circle and we sing Christmas songs together. Then, each of the children is called out by name and they come forward to receive their gift. This year, everyone helped clean up, the tables were quickly set to the side and a circle of chairs formed. The musicians then began leading us in music, compelling many of the children to gather close to the musicians in ecstatic anticipation.

As the music started, two children, each about two years old, began to dance. It was as if their bodies could not resist the joy of the music, the rhythms, and the joined voices raised in song. They danced and danced and danced. And as I watched them dance I reflected on the lives of these two children. Both of them have parents who are new immigrants to our country. The boy’s mother was illegally bought from her family and sold into the United States to an abusive boyfriend who brutally beat her and threatened deportation if she so much as cried out in pain. The girl’s mother is from an African country where there are frequent uprisings among warring groups – and where she, along with many other women, was beaten and raped as a retaliatory gesture between the oppositional factions.

These two children somehow find themselves in the safety of Renewal House – and on December 5, 2009, they can do nothing more than get up and dance. Dance for their freedom, dance for the gift of their mothers, dance for their hope in a world that is full of peace, respect and love. And all anyone could do that watched them in that hall on that day was smile and clap. And I found myself in awe as I watched this grace-filled moment unfold. Through very different paths and life experiences, two young children and their mothers found their way to Renewal House. And despite the pain and difficulty these children and their mothers had endured, they danced and danced and danced – reminding us all that true joy, true hope, true light can never be extinguished.

Finding Voice

It is interesting to see the ways that different people experience the reality of abuse. We often see people who have learned to meet abuse with abuse. These individuals are very aggressive, quick-tempered, easily frustrated and have little or no trust of anyone. It is important to point out that these are coping skills. It’s not as though there is something wrong with these individuals – they have, in fact, learned how to fight, stick up for themselves, and not be pulled under by the abuse. Unfortunately, these individuals don’t always do well in domestic violence shelters, where they come into contact with other survivors whose experience is different from theirs, and where they must live in a community in which there are rules. These individuals feel frustrated by a system that seems to constantly oppress them, and by having to accommodate the needs of others in the living community. It can remind them of their abuse or their abuser, and the impulse is to lash out. And yet, when they do lash out they are told that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and sometimes they receive punishment or have privileges taken away. This, of course, can add to the rage of a survivor who has been taught to fight, and who often feels bad about himself/herself and is now is being singled out as being a “troublemaker.”

I personally like working with these individuals because they are good people who are struggling to make a way for themselves in a world that has not been kind to them. But they haven’t given up the will to live and to fight for what they want for themselves. The trick is to figure out ways to ally oneself with these survivors and encourage them to continue to fight for themselves in ways that will not alienate all those around them. And yet, the anger and frustration are real and should not be muffled. Being abused is anger-inducing and, in fact, those who lose that anger or never even identify it are more worrisome to me in some ways than those who lash out. It’s almost as if they are resigned to the abuse and agree to serve as an active participant in a model where they somehow “deserve” it.

This other group, the silent survivors, have at some point lost their voice, lost their ability to fight, lost their sense of self. There doesn’t appear to be a lot to work with in these people. But I believe that the job of domestic violence programs is to enable these individuals to find their voice. Along with finding their voice, these individuals need to rediscover and define their identity.

Recently, we had two women in our program who fit into this silent survivor category. During groups and even informal discussions in the shelter, they remain silent and never have anything they want to contribute. They attend meetings with their advocate and with our therapist, but they are quiet and even fearful of the process at times. The other residents, who tend to have stronger personalities, overwhelm them in a way, effectively leaving no room for them to even begin opening up or contributing.

At our house meeting last week, I brought up issues about the television and the kitchen that I knew affected these two residents, and yet they chose to sit in silence. And even when I asked if they had something to share, they both said “no.” I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with these two, although I knew that isn’t helpful, either.

As I was reflecting on this over the weekend, I recalled my college women’s studies courses and the work of Carol Gilligan (In a Different Voice) and Mary Pipher (Reviving Ophelia). The two residents are both immigrants to the U.S., have young children, and struggle with English. The reasons for their limited voice are many, and I question whether Gilligan’s or Pipher’s approaches are applicable. I know that these women have a voice – that is not the concern. The question is, how have sexism, racism and xenophobia exacerbated their situations and contributed to their silencing themselves. And what is our role in encouraging these survivors to find their voice and to use it for themselves, for their children, and in all of their relationships.

I do believe that it is a part of our job as domestic violence advocates to also partner with survivors to help them find their voice. This is a challenging task because it feels so abstract in many ways and, obviously, must be tailored to the individual. And yet, partnering with survivors to help them find their voices and define their identities could be the most revolutionary thing we do.