Domestic Violence Month Ends...But the Work Continues!

October, Domestic Violence Awareness month, has come to a close. This last week has been full of activity. From an interview with the Boston Herald on the new Christian domestic violence talkline in Dorchester, to the last session of our volunteer training, to an event with the Northbridge Association of Churches, awareness is increasing and we don’t want that to end.

In light of this momentum, we will continue writing this blog two to three times per week in the coming months. We will use the blog as a means of updating you on the work of Renewal House, as well as expanding awareness about domestic violence issues and encouraging conversation. Thank you for your interest in our work and the support you offer to our program and the people we serve.

On Wednesday night I travelled with Juliana (our Harvard Divinity School intern) and Cinthia (a former Renewal House resident) to Northbridge, Mass., for an event organized by Susan Brostrup Jensen, a Simmons College PhD student. The event was the culmination of her efforts throughout her coursework to bring the work of ending domestic violence into churches and faith communities. The event was well attended, and there was a wonderful conversation following the presentations about how these individuals and congregations could actively address the needs of survivors in their communities.

Both Cinthia and Susan Shumaker (a UU and longtime supporter of Renewal House) shared their stories during the evening. I have heard Susan’s story several times and each time I hear it there is something new that she adds or some new way that I hear the tragedy of a child witnessing domestic violence. Because this event was for people of faith, Susan included her experience within faith communities while she was growing up. We all had a good chuckle when she explained that she attended the United Methodist Church on Sundays, the Catholic Church on Fridays (waiting for her friends as they did confession), and synagogue with her Jewish friends on Saturday night to mark the end of Shabbat. Each served as a place of refuge for Susan as she struggled to create a “normal” life away from the abuse she witnessed between her parents. Susan found community wherever she could. And she found strength in all of the friends she had and their faith traditions that informed their lives.

Cinthia has also shared her story several times at Renewal House events. She was a resident almost a year ago, and is currently living in her own apartment in Boston and working at an area hospital. Cinthia is more than surviving, she is thriving! On Wednesday night, Cinthia spoke about the isolation she felt in her marriage, as her abuser cut off all of her connections to the outside world. Cinthia was not allowed to leave her home, speak on the phone or have contact with anyone. She did, however, have minimal contact with a woman who worked in the building where she and her husband lived. Occasionally, this person would have to come into their apartment to repair something or make routine checks. Cinthia didn’t speak much with this woman – but she didn’t have to, because the woman knew what was happening. One day, she knocked on Cinthia’s door and handed her $25 and said, “why don’t you use this to get out of here.” And that is exactly what Cinthia did.

What I found so moving about Cinthia’s story was that she then looked out at all the people gathered in the Northbridge Church and said – almost as an invitation – “You could have been that person giving me that $25. You can be the person to help someone leave an abusive relationship.” The tears in the room flowed very easily at that point, for it spoke to the very core of what many folks believe: when you serve the least of these, you are serving me…and you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It was a powerful statement, and a wonderful and simple invitation to us all.

Last night, as we wrapped up our final volunteer training for Renewal House, we closed with attendees sharing what they found to be the highlight of our time together. The overall consensus was that having the opportunity to be in community with this group, week after week, was itself a highlight. Some mentioned that the diversity in people’s ages was a highlight. To see younger people so interested and involved provided the “older” adults with hope for the future. For younger folks, hearing the perspective and history from their older peers was meaningful. It struck me that, just as survivors of domestic violence find themselves isolated through the abuse they suffer, we also find ourselves isolated from one another. We are always looking for community – a place where we belong and where our thoughts and opinions matter. Going through a 25-hour training is a huge commitment, and yet finding others who are committed to learning about, and contributing to, the work of supporting survivors of domestic violence can create a lovely opportunity for community. For Renewal House staff, it is thrilling to have others with new energy join us in our efforts to offer safety and hope for all survivors of domestic violence.

Serving Community Members and Former Renewal House Guests

(by guest blogger Ada Guadalupe, Renewal House Shelter Manager)

Renewal House is a special place to me. I have worked here for over 15 years and have enjoyed the opportunities this work and this agency have provided me.

I am most pleased with the work we do in the community and the connections we maintain with former residents. The community work has changed over the years, and is important to the people we serve. It started when I was doing a domestic violence support group at Latinas y Ninos, a substance abuse program for women and children. I lead groups there and people were very engaged and connected. Then, under former Renewal House Director Parisa Parsa, we started Sisters Together Offering Peace (STOP) and many of the women from Latinas y Ninos came to that group as well.

Working in the community is difficult and important work. Difficult because most often the people who participate have little or no resource and often are still in the abusive relationship. And important because so many services have been cut over the years -- and without, us these folks would have no one.

For the last six months I have been offering “office hours” at the UU Urban Ministry’s program and office space at First Church in Roxbury for community residents in need. I provide assistance to those seeking support around homelessness, domestic violence, legal issues and a wide variety of other things. We have publicized this new service with our community partners, and have had a good response.

Another recent outreach effort for both shelter residents and community members is our new ESL class, launched in collaboration with some of our volunteers. This will add to the “traffic” in the UU Urban Ministry and increase our ability to connect with more people.

In addition, our Harvard Divinity School intern, Juliana dos Santos, is leading a yoga group on Wednesdays at the UU Urban Ministry for shelter residents and community members. Yoga provides good exercise and has proven to be helpful in the work of healing.

Renewal House began the practice of working with former residents when I noticed that the residents leaving our program were so sad. Often, we had become their community and they felt that moving on meant they were losing us. I spoke with then-Director Joyce King, who said I was welcome to continue working with former guests if I so desired – so I did. We added a section on the exit interview about ongoing follow-up and asked residents to let us know if they wanted to continue to work with us.

The connection with former residents has been wonderful. For Renewal House staff members, who encounter our guests at the lowest point in their lives, the opportunity to support them beyond their time in shelter provides a reassuring window into post-shelter life -- life does move on, and healing and wholeness can happen. Of course, not all of the people we work with are free of struggle and difficulty, but they do know that they can call on us for resources and support. These days, we have several gatherings throughout the year for current and former residents. Some gatherings are simply social engagements, and some provide education/enrichment for adults and children. It’s a chance for families and individuals to be around others who share their experience of abuse. They learn and gain support from one another.

I was raised Catholic. At times, I have been unhappy with the church and stopped participating. However, I feel as though my faith has driven me throughout my life to do good to those I meet. I believe the church is in me and I take it wherever I go. This is another reason I love working at Renewal House. The opportunity to talk with the residents about their own faith and how it can serve as a resource in their lives is very meaningful to me. Many of the people we serve come to us with nothing. Their abusers have taken everything away from them – except their faith. The opportunity for these folks to see this resource and build on it in a community of support is immensely helpful. We occasionally have residents who are resistant to the faith component in our program. We simply let them know that it is a resource for them to use in whatever way is most helpful to them.

And that is the beauty of the Unitarian Universalist faith – it is inclusive, open to exploration and accepting of all faith traditions. Working in a program that values spirituality is so important to me and, more importantly, to our guests. Furthermore, the ongoing support of Unitarian Universalist congregations helps us make even more of a difference.

From our Holiday party sponsored by First Parish in Kingston, to the prayer shawls from Follen Church, to all the UU individuals who respond to our pleas for Halloween costumes, event tickets, or baby shower items, we try to offer our guests much more than mere shelter. All of these “extras” make Renewal House a program that truly is about renewal for those who come in our doors.

Finding Hope in the Words of a Child

(by guest blogger Alex Kamin, Renewal House Children's Advocate)

Children enter the world filled with hope, wonder, and authentic yearning to interact with those around them. As they develop, their natural wonder can be fostered and encouraged through creative play, nurturing homes, loving adults, and stability. The child who is allowed to develop in this organic way will learn to trust in the world around them. They come to believe that the world is a place where they can invest themselves.

What about the children who were not given the tools to develop this wonder? The children who were not able to explore the world around them? The children we encounter at Renewal House are often caught in this state of transition, which has inhibited their sense of safety in the world. The child who enters Renewal House is going through a plethora of changes -- they have left their home, most if not all of their belongings (toys, pets, movies, music, etc.), and a traumatizing violent home life. Each child enters Renewal House with a different set of experiences and coping mechanisms, yet they have one quality that links them, which is resiliency. Children are incredible healers. Despite the harsh circumstances, turmoil, and transition that each child who enters our shelter has faced, they have incredible strength and capacity for hope. Renewal House, its staff, volunteers, interns, and the resources they all provide for the parents allow the children to reinvest in a world which has thus far not proven to be a safe place.

Although this hope is not always apparent and it certainly does not happen overnight, there are moments when it shines clearly in the eyes and words of the children. An encounter with a 5-year-old boy reminds me of this. This child entered the shelter as a very timid boy, barely talking to anyone outside of his own family. When he did talk he would be submissive and polite. He loved to read. As his time at Renewal House was drawing close to a month, his personality began to change. He became aggressive with the other children, he was rude to his mother and staff, and he would lie and yell. He would refuse to listen to anyone, and disobey rules he had once recited to anyone who would listen. After a few days of trying various disciplinary techniques, I decided it would be best to sit down and talk with him in my office. I knew he had been having nightmares, so I asked him about those. He told me he dreamt of “his mean daddy, and the blood from the cuts he gave himself.” His eyes got soft as he spoke and the anger he had been exhibiting earlier seemed to melt away. He continued, “and I have dreams of my mean daddy pulling out the bathtub and throwing it out the window and everything breaking.” He told me this with certainty. I asked him if he would like to draw a picture of all the people and things that made him feel good. He could keep this picture next to his bed, and it would keep away nightmares. He liked this idea. I drew and he told me different animals and people he wanted to have on the drawing – his grandparents, his dog, a snail, a polar bear. After a bit, I asked if there was anything else he wanted to include in the drawing. He said, “oh yeah – we need to have a lion on top of everything. The lion is God, and protects me from everything, and he watches all of us.” I took a deep breathe, said a silent prayer of gratitude for the gentle spirit moving inside this boy, and acknowledged the great strength which this young boy possesses. I drew the lion.

When I got to work the next day, the boy ran to me and said, “Can we draw more animals? The dreams of my mean daddy went away last night.” Being present to another in their time of suffering is a true gift.

Why is it Important for People of Faith to be Involved in Domestic Violence Work?

A reporter from the Boston Herald asked me that question yesterday afternoon. The reporter is working on an article highlighting the Restorer’s Ministry, a new hotline led by three women from the Grace of All Nations Church in Dorchester. We have been supporting the training needs of the three as they seek to live out their call to serving individuals and families struggling with issues of domestic violence in their community.

What I appreciate most about the Restorer’s Ministry model is that it is a volunteer ministry. Each of the women answering calls on the hotline have a particular desire to work with this population because of their own experience with domestic violence and the importance of faith in their own healing. Reaching out to others to offer help, resources and prayer is a true gift. Many of the domestic violence services offered these days are connected to hospitals, clinics or the legal system – institutions that, for a variety of reasons, do not feel accessible to some families. Having a faith-based hotline that is simply and straightforwardly offering supportive care without any judgment or other restrictions is a true gift.

When I offered the training to this congregation (which included approximately 20 individuals) I thought I needed to explain to them the reality of work in the domestic violence field and all of the nuances of working with victims, survivors and perpetrators. And what I realized within the first 15 minutes of the training is that these individuals already knew what services were out there – and they even knew what the limits were to those services. They already knew that there are victims and survivors and perpetrators in their congregation, and that each group has special needs. Almost all of the women in the training (and some men) were survivors of domestic violence themselves and/or witnessed their child or loved one struggle in a violent relationship.

I think of it now and realize that Grace of All Nations Church and the Restorer’s Ministry have a unique opportunity. In many ways, they are getting back to the roots of the domestic violence movement, when people realized support must be given to those struggling in violence and abuse. And so these individuals opened up their homes and their lives and their communities to people who needed their help. Now the domestic violence movement has evolved into a system that, in many ways, is controlled by government funds and policies. Of course, there are programs and agencies that are doing what they can to develop new models of reaching out beyond the staid structures, but there are limits to any effort that becomes a codified system.

Renewal House’s connection with Restorer’s Ministry has helped me to imagine more deeply what we could be doing for not just victims and survivors of domestic violence and their children, but also for the abuser/perpetrator. For all of these individuals need services and support. And it seems to me that the current model does more to separate the family and demonize the abuser than call them into “right relationship” with one another.

Early on in my work at Renewal House, I attended a training led by Rhea Almeida about her program in New Jersey and her efforts to provide opportunities for restorative justice. I continually think about that model – and those who say “only someone like Rhea can do that work.” The opportunity Rhea offers for families to share the reality of domestic violence and, together, create a path to healing and wholeness is revolutionary. It does not mean that the family is reunited; rather, through the process of separation they all get a chance to tell their stories in a community of both support and accountability. This model is what I hope Restorer’s Ministry and Renewal House both achieve as we seek to be people of faith in a world that, in many ways, is “fallen.” In my mind, that is the importance of faith communities and their contributions to the work of ending domestic violence – we have the opportunity to serve all members of the family as they seek to heal and make better choices in their lives. That, I believe, is the social justice work that people of faith are poised to do together.

Finding a New Street

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

In a simple and stark way, this poem captures the reality of women and men who find themselves in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, for many of these survivors, abuse and violence are patterns in their lives that are set up very early. Since childhood, they have found themselves falling into that hole of pain and isolation again and again. They are resilient, and able to clamber out of it – and yet they keep walking down that same sidewalk and encountering that same hole.

Many of the men and women we work with at Renewal House grow increasingly frustrated by this pattern. Recently, one of our former residents arrived at our shelter office with bruises on her body and a black eye. She had just come from the hospital following a terrible attack by her girlfriend. She came to us because she said she could think of no other place to go for support. As she sat and talked with us, I felt helpless. How could we help this woman? What do we do for her? Is she going to be safe and ok to go home to the scene of the attack?

She said to us through her tears, “I don’t understand why this happens to me over and over and over again? How does it happen?”

And the words that came to me were, “Because you weren’t done yet.”

She looked at me and said, “But Susan, this is a new girlfriend – not the old one.”

And I said, “I know, but there is a pattern set inside of you that you are trying desperately to break – and for some reason you haven’t been able to break it yet. It’s not your fault, and soon you will find a better path to walk for yourself and no one will be able to hurt you anymore.”

The poem at the beginning of today’s blog was on my mind when I had this conversation with the former resident. The imagery of falling into the same hole over and over again struck me as an experience parallel to hers. The holes of life will continue to try to suck us in, but we get smarter and smarter through every fall. We can learn how to walk around these holes. It just takes practice. And I believe we all need a community that supports and believes in the possibility of navigating the tricky terrain of life until we can find a new street. I hope Renewal House can continue to serve as that beloved community for the women and men who come to us for refuge.

A Shared Journey Toward Healing

(by guest blogger Ann Taylor, Overnight Advocate)

I have been working at Renewal House for almost 15 years and I love the work. I started as a part-time overnight advocate for one or two nights a week and eventually took on the Monday-Friday position.

My story is interesting because I found out about Renewal House through a training led by then-director Joyce King at my other job. I liked Joyce and I liked what she had to say about the work. So I stayed in touch with her and eventually started working at Renewal House.

It wasn’t until after I started at Renewal House that I learned exactly what domestic violence was -- and that I, too, was a survivor of domestic violence. As I went through the training and listened to the stories of the women in our program, I could relate to what they were saying. It was as though that story, that part of myself, had been tucked away in the inner part of my spirit – and then it was able to show itself once I was in the safety of this community. Before that time, my abusive relationship was something that had just happened – and then it went away – and I had never really healed from it. When I started working at Renewal House I knew I needed to work on that, to talk about it and acknowledge it. I have had many opportunities to do that with other staff and with a counselor, and I can say that I have come to peace with it now. It was powerful to realize that I am a survivor, just like the guests here at Renewal House.

Sometimes I will share my experience with the residents here, but not always. I am careful about when it makes sense to share my story and when it doesn’t. There are times when I know it will be helpful to share the information, just so they know that I understand some of what they are going through. I know my experience is not the same as theirs, but we do have a common bond because of making it through. I know how it felt when it happened to me, and I know how important it is to have people supporting you through your healing. And I am grateful to Renewal House for being a part of my healing as well.

What I like the most about working at Renewal House are the people I get to meet and the stories I hear while they stay with us. Everyone has such intricate and complicated stories, and serving as a holding place for them and all of the pain they have suffered is meaningful to me. I also love to see the progress they make in their own healing, both for themselves and their children. That is a blessing!

I help to lead the spirituality group once a week in the shelter, and I appreciate this opportunity to give space to residents to share from their hearts. It’s a wonderful resource for them to have in addition to the domestic violence and parenting groups. It is place for them to express their joys and concerns in the context of their own faith, whatever that might be. Sometimes we sit in silence, sometimes we sing, sometimes we laugh and talk, sometimes there are tears – and all of it is healing for them as individuals and as a community of survivors. I feel lucky to have the chance to walk this journey with them.

Support Systems Can Hinder as Well as Help

Many of the residents who come to Renewal House have little or no health insurance. Fortunately, the state of Massachusetts has several plans to cover and care for folks that are homeless, living in shelter or below the poverty level. We also partner with Boston Healthcare for the Homeless Program (BHCHP). Each month, a nurse from BHCHP visits Renewal House to meet with residents and discuss any health concerns they may have. If a resident requires assistance in between visits, we can call the nurse for information and referrals.

Homeless and poor individuals face enormous struggles around healthcare. We have had residents run out of prescriptions needed for mental health and other medical issues – and have to wait weeks to resolve the issue. We have seen residents have their health insurance cancelled without warning and with no reason given. We have had residents who have been refused services because they are from out of state. We had one resident who struggled with substance abuse issues go to the hospital complaining of back pain and come home with a two-week prescription of Vicodin.

One resident who moved to Massachusetts from Puerto Rico had a young son with a broken collar bone. He was treated in Puerto Rico and provided with a brace, but he required follow-up care here. When his mom called to make an appointment, she was told the earliest appointment they could have was in four months. We were able to call Boston Healthcare for the Homeless and the boy was seen within two weeks. However, when she arrived for her appointment, she was greeted by the doctor and an investigation team from the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Concern for the boy, it turns out, resulted in the medical appointment becoming an investigation of whether she was a “fit” mother. Fortunately, we had sent her with a bilingual Renewal House advocate who was able to help her through the interview. Although I understand why they felt the need to investigate this particular situation, I also recognize the vulnerability of this mother who was trying to do the right thing for herself and her son, but found herself scrutinized from all angles.

Just yesterday, I attended a consultation with a Department of Children and Families social worker, who said something I found very interesting. She said that once a family is in the DCF system, it is actually harder for them to get out than it is to stay in. She explained that once you are DCF-involved, you are watched for the rest of your days. A parent must be vigilant in all they do from that day forward to prove and re-prove their fitness as a parent. The parents we work with who are DCF-involved live in constant fear of having their children taken from them. This omnipresent fear is not supportive to the families. They feel further oppressed, afraid and defeated.

All services available to domestic violence victims are potentially hurtful and manipulative instead of helpful. It is a tricky dynamic, because the experience of being abused causes victims and survivors to believe they are powerless and weak, and unable to stand up for themselves. That is our role as advocates/intermediaries, and yet even we occasionally find ourselves overwhelmed by the systems that are meant to be helpful, but in reality can be oppressive and inflexible.

One final thought: Did you know that domestic violence is considered a pre-existing condition in seven states, including Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota and Wyoming, as well as the District of Columbia? Fortunately, debates are occurring at the Federal level to prohibit this practice. But it is shocking and disgraceful that insurers can currently refuse to cover injuries sustained by those who suffer abuse in the home. It is also another case of the system further victimizing those who desperately need services.

Confronting the Myths of Domestic Violence

(by guest blogger Colleen Armstrong, Renewal House Advocate)

Since joining the Renewal House staff a year ago, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to have many wonderful conversations with many different individuals about domestic violence. Over and over again, I have heard the same questions asked and have heard the same myths about domestic violence perpetuated. Prior to working at Renewal House, I also believed many of these myths to be true. Now, I am keenly aware of how often I hear these myths repeated, not just from people in the community but also in the news and in pop culture.

I recall a conversation I had with my neighbor. He was fascinated by my job and wanted to know if there was anyway he could do to be helpful. He was grateful that there was a place where abused individuals could go. Then he asked me if we only helped the women that deserved it, not the women who “provoked” the abuse. I asked him what he meant by this. He described the archetype of the “good victim”: middle class, English speaking, documented, educated. And he was right in some respects -- domestic violence happens to middle class, English speaking, documented, educated women and men. Of course, it also happens to undocumented, non-native-English-speaking, working class men and women. Any individual can find themselves battered, and it is never the fault of the victim. No one deserves to be abused.

Domestic violence victims, however, frequently hear comments from their abusers such as, “I did it for your own good.” Outsiders will tell them, “you must have really made him mad.” These statements can confuse a victim and lead him/her to take responsibility for the violence and blame themselves. But no one can be responsible for another person’s deliberate choices and actions. Regardless of the circumstances, domestic violence is not the victim’s fault.

I often hear the residents of Renewal House take responsibility for the abuse and blame themselves for staying in the relationship when they knew it was unhealthy. I remind them that it is never their fault. But when the encouragement and affirmation they receive from Renewal House staff is countered by condemnation from their communities, victims continue to blame themselves. I am encouraged when I hear others stand up for victims, reminding the blamers that the abuse is never the victim’s fault. I believe that standing up for victims by confronting those who would blame them is an important part of ending domestic violence. I encourage you take a stand when you hear someone ask a victim what they did to cause this situation.

The Lives We Touch

Recently, I received an email from a member of an area congregation. Her message was one of thanks to me and my staff at Renewal House for the work we do providing shelter for families and individuals. She made a point to also thank us for our efforts around community outreach and education, particularly with churches. I asked her if I could share her story (anonymously, of course), and she agreed. I will call her Laurel, and here is her story:

Laurel lived in a suburb of Boston and was well connected in the community and within her congregation. About six months ago, she had to leave it all behind because of the domestic violence in her home and the havoc it caused in her life. She moved to the Western U.S., where members of her family are able to support her and her two small children. But before she moved she tried to talk about her experience in her church – and received little support or understanding. She tried to seek out domestic violence resources locally, but was turned away due to lack of space and because the abuse was not physical. She even reached out to a local psychiatric hospital for supportive services, but when she called to do an intake they told her she needed to go to the emergency room. She called the mental health clinic and left a message, but never received a return phone call. She felt as though she had nowhere else to turn. She knew she needed to get out, but it seemed like a fight just to accomplish that.

She has since moved and has found great resources where she is currently living. Her family and friends have helped immensely, as have local domestic violence programs that understand what she went through and include her experience in their definition of domestic abuse. She has since contacted the local Massachusetts program to share her concern over their limited understanding of the reality of domestic violence. I was pleased to hear that the staff person stated that things had changed and they were sorry for not helping her in her time of need.

In many ways, things are looking up for Laurel. However, she still has interactions with professionals who do not understand her experience. There was the OBGYN, for example, who responded to Laurel’s story by saying “well, good luck.” And her primary care doctor simply said to her, “you really need to find some support for yourself.” These interactions aren’t quite as tough for Laurel now as they would have been in the past, but they are a constant reminder to her of how painful it is to reach out and receive no understanding or support.

Laurel told me that even her family had been affected by the abuse. She was isolated from them as a result of her relationship and her partner had made it difficult for her to maintain a healthy, close relationship with anyone. Fortunately, when Laurel returned home to her family, they were able to recognize the abuse for what it was and not blame her for its impact on their lives and relationships.

Laurel is healing and moving on in her life now. She wrote me to share her story and to thank me for the work of Renewal House. In doing so, she also provided us with an excellent example of how the “system” and well-meaning individuals can still fail them during times of real need.

Laurel’s story is a reminder to all of us in the domestic violence field that there is much more to be done in terms of awareness, education and service delivery. Sadly, there are others out there right now who are struggling to find the right person or place to help them leave an abusive situation and begin to heal.

Seeing Beyond Belief

On Sunday, the UU Urban Ministry (our parent organization) held a wonderful event led by Unitarian Universalist theologian Thandeka. Despite the rain and cold, more than 80 people came to the UUUM’s facilities at First Church in Roxbury to think together about how Unitarian Universalists can “see beyond belief.”

What I liked the most about the event was the way Thandeka brought all of us in attendance into the conversation. We weren’t there just to sit back and listen – Thandeka sought the participation and contributions of everybody. We were there to reflect and share, and even dare to show ourselves. It was lovely!

Thandeka used the movie “About Schmidt” with actor Jack Nicholson as a way of engaging us in a conversation about how people can become disconnected from one another and their own feelings. Thandeka had us investigate Jack Nicholson’s character, Warren Schmidt, by observing how he interacts with others and how he views his relationships. We were able to see him as isolated, frustrated, angry, sad, numb and much more. Gradually, through the afternoon conversation, we began to see that there is a little bit of Schmidt in all of us. And then Thandeka gave us the task of imagining how someone like Schmidt would experience a visit to a Unitarian Universalist congregation. What would the experience be like for him and his imagined adopted child from Africa? Would he be one of the statistical 5 out of 7 visitors who never return to a UU church? We broke up into small groups to discuss this question and create skits to depict the imagined experience.

There were moments of wonderful shared poignancy throughout our afternoon together. And what I enjoyed the most was the opportunity to hear other’s thoughts – to really just listen and imagine the possibility that we are all inextricably connected, and to ponder together the question of what that means.

Then this morning I received this quote from Paolo Friere’s Pedagogy of the Oppressed:

"Attempting to liberate the oppressed without their reflective participation in the act of liberation is to treat them as objects which must be saved from a burning building; it is to lead them into the populist pitfall and transform them into masses which can be manipulated. At all stages of their liberation, the oppressed must see themselves as women and men engaged in the ontological* and historical vocation of becoming more fully human."

All of this is a helpful reminder to me and to all of the staff, volunteers and interns of Renewal House. Truly, the women and men we serve in our program at Renewal House are engaged in the ontological and historical vocation of becoming more fully human. They are in crisis and come to us from a particularly oppressed place of pain and hurt – but they are still whole people, just like us.

Schmidt, residents of Renewal House, UU members and ministers -- all of us – are individuals engaged in a struggle to find and make meaning, to form connections and keep hope alive for ourselves and for those we care for.

I am grateful to have had this opportunity to “see beyond belief” and to be part of a community that takes the time to reflect on what it means to become more fully human.

* a particular theory about the nature of being

Domestic Violence at All Stages of Life

Last night, at our candlelight vigil honoring the victims of domestic violence in Massachusetts over the last year, we read the names of all the individuals who died as a result of domestic violence in 2009. The names included 15 women, five men and three children. Their stories are a vivid reminder that domestic violence transcends age, social class, race, gender and sexual orientation/identity. As the Director of Renewal House, of course, I already knew this. But seeing the names and reading the stories enabled me to see it more clearly.

You can read their stories by going to http://www.janedoe.org/ and clicking “Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2009.”

As I read their names and ages, I was also struck by how many of these domestic violence victims were over the age of 50. Most of our guests at Renewal House are 35 and under. The fact that those who seek shelter are typically younger than 40 painfully illuminates the silent struggles experienced by those older people who have been in domestic violence relationships for years and years. It is simply terrible to be that stuck, isolated, and abused without any assistance or anywhere to turn.

I recently received an email from Jane Doe, Inc. (our statewide network of domestic violence and sexual assault providers) announcing that the Social Security Administration had distributed sets of domestic violence awareness posters to 1,900 supervisors in their offices across the country. Finally, in 2009, the 50,000+ employees of our country’s largest connector to individuals 65 and over now have access to domestic violence resources. This is both a resource for the people they serve, as well as for their own employees. The Social Security Administration, like many hospitals and other large employers, has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to support employees and their families in times of crisis and difficulty. By raising awareness around domestic violence – and offering resources – thousands of people are no longer isolated in their bubble of abuse. We have begun recognizing their struggles and providing resources for their journey towards healing.

As 50 of us gathered last night at the UU Urban Ministry to honor those who had lost their lives due to domestic violence, I was grateful to be part of a community that cares and puts that care into action. And, amidst the sadness and the pain of the loss of 23 lives, I am reminded of how many lives we have positively impacted by offering safety, support and community to individuals and families who decide to leave the abuse behind and begin anew.

What Should We Tell Our Children About Domestic Violence?

We are often asked this question by religious educators, parents and teachers who contact us about wanting their children to do a service project with Renewal House. The adults are interested in providing the children with a picture of what life in a shelter might look like and why families or individuals might need to live there.

I believe that children are capable of understanding why people need shelter, even domestic violence shelter. Granted, children do not need to know all of the details about the violence; but they can certainly understand that, sometimes, it does not make sense for two adults to live together anymore. And sometimes families have no other friends and family with whom they can live, so they have to go into shelter.

It is important to stress that these families are not “bad” or even “different” from your family. The adult shelter residents are trying to do the best they can for themselves and their children. The children like to do the same kinds of things that other children do. And sometimes, shelter is the best choice for everyone. Once in shelter, the children can still go to school and day care. They can still have friends and go on play dates and do fun things. However, because they live in shelter, they cannot have friends over to play at their house, and sometimes they cannot have all of their toys with them.

Moving into a shelter – particularly a domestic violence shelter – can sometimes be a quick and jarring transition for children and adults. The parent may have been thinking about it for a while. He or she may have some bags packed and hidden somewhere, ready to go. The children may not know this. When it is time to go to shelter, the children often can only chose one toy or special item to bring. At other times, they cannot even do that. Going to a domestic violence shelter is often done in secret, because the parents are having such a hard time that it is better just to leave immediately.

Renewal House tries very hard to ease the transition for newly arriving children. When they first arrive, we give them a welcome toy and a handmade quilt (made by one of our UU quilting groups). We also provide an orientation about what it means to be in shelter, including our rules, special features for children, where the toys are kept, and when the volunteers come to play with them. We are currently working on a new “welcome book” for each child who comes to Renewal House. The children can use the book to tell us more about themselves, as well as to process what it’s like leaving home and being in shelter.

Children are capable of hearing the stories of people/families in shelter, even domestic violence shelters. It is useful for them to know this information early on, and to have a chance to ask questions about what a healthy relationship looks like and what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Even if the children themselves are witnessing domestic violence, this information is ok for them to know. For it is a breaking of the silence of their experiences, enabling them to see that other people understand their reality and that resources are available to them and their families. Children are smart, and they will know how to use this information for themselves, and who in their family (or school or church) is the right person with whom to talk with about it.

Not in My Church

Last year, Renewal House hosted an event in partnership with the Department of Public Health entitled “A Call to Action.” The idea was to bring together members of those Unitarian Universalist churches that support the UU Urban Ministry and Renewal House to discuss how communities of faith could support victims and survivors of domestic violence within their congregations and communities.

It seemed like a fun, interesting and engaging topic to me. I like this work. I find it challenging and overwhelming at times, but I always feel as though I am doing something meaningful. So providing a forum where compassionate people could share with each other and figure out how to more fully engage their communities in this area felt hopeful to me. Plus, the notion of a group of people from across Metro Boston who saw themselves as vehicles for ending domestic violence and supporting victims/survivors -- and even batterers -- in getting the support needed to live healthy, whole lives – well, it took some of the pressure off of me. Having more resource to turn to is a real blessing, particularly in work that can sometimes be isolating and emotionally draining.

The event went well. We had a nice conversation, and people were interested and engaged. However, the attendance was small, with only six of the UU Urban Ministry’s 55 member churches represented that day. I do not mean to rebuke these churches and individuals, as there are many possible reasons for the small turnout. Sunday afternoon events are often in conflict with competing events, for example, and the topic may have felt intimidating or too heavy. Given how busy people are, a workshop on domestic violence may have felt like just the thing to drop from a packed schedule. But it did make me wonder how to engage more people in this work in a way that feels easy and inviting.

During “A Call to Action,” we had folks divide into small groups to discuss ways they could engage their congregations in the subject of domestic violence and/or supporting victims and survivors in their communities. The attendees came up with some good ideas and there was great conversation. However, many of the groups kept getting “hung up” on the idea of accepting that batterers and victims could actually be members of their churches. People often find it difficult to imagine batterers sitting next to them in the pews – or even victims/survivors who may feel silenced, ashamed or embarrassed and unable to share their story.

The truth is that statistics indicate that members of faith communities are victims of domestic violence at the same rate as those who are not. One in four women and one in nine men are victims of violence in the home. Domestic violence affects people of all races, classes, genders and sexual orientations.

The imperative for all of us is to recognize that even the men and women who seem the most “together” in our congregations and communities can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Victims need a community of healing. Batterers need a community of accountability. And what better place to accomplish this justice work than in the context of a faith community, where we believe transformation is possible – not only for the people to whom we minister, but also for ourselves.

Domestic violence is occurring in families within your congregation. It is up to faith communities to determine how to address this reality and provide space where victims and perpetrators can share their stories and receive the support they need in a context of hope, healing with the possibility of transformative justice.

Why Doesn’t She/He Leave?

We are asked this question in countless settings where we speak about domestic violence and educate people about the realities of victims’ lives. And the answers are varied.

I must admit that when I began at Renewal House, I had the same perspective. Why wouldn’t someone leave when it is clearly an unhealthy and abusive relationship? And what I have come to realize is that people have numerous reasons for staying – and, in many cases, why staying is actually the best option they can figure out for themselves and for their children.

Now don’t get me wrong – we do not advocate that people stay in abusive relationships. However, each individual must make the decision to leave when he/she is ready. Statistics show that people in violent relationships leave an average of seven times before they permanently leave.

People stay for many reasons: love, lack of money, security, disability, divorce not allowed in their culture/faith tradition, a belief it is best for the children, immigration status, hope that it will get better, a belief that they deserve the abuse…and the list goes on and on.

In fact, the most dangerous period for a victim – when there is the highest risk of homicide – is when they leave. Often, the victim can feel that because he/she has left the abusive relationship, all should be well. However, this sense of safety can prove to be deadly. A victim may go live with friends or family, while continuing to go to work and live his/her life as usual. It is at these times that the abuser has lost control of the situation/person, feels most vulnerable, and may lash out. At times, victims can forget about the danger – and, if not connected to supportive services for victims of domestic violence, this can be further exacerbated by the notion that once one has left, he or she is safe.

Sometimes, then, staying is a decision that can make sense for the moment.

When I first began working at Renewal House, a woman called me and asked if she could come in and talk with me about how to “get rid of my husband and get custody of my child back.” She came in and she told me her story of abuse and violence, pain and brokenness. She had a lot of paperwork from police calls and court meetings. She pulled them all out and asked, “What can you do to make all of this better for me?” I looked at her and explained that, unfortunately, I could not do anything to make it better. I could point her to resources, tell her about some legal options, and get her connected to others who could support her, but it would take her “drive” to get all of this done.

At that moment I felt both helpless and strangely triumphant. It is true that there is a great deal of pain in the lives of the people we work with at Renewal House. It is difficult to see that pain each day. But taking care of the situation for them actually does no good. It does take a lot of work to heal and move on from an abusive relationship. There is so much to give attention to, and so much that is emotionally draining. And yet, that is all a part of the healing process.

Sometimes, we aren’t ready to leave. We haven’t finished yet. There is something more to take care of and/or resolve. But when someone does leave, she/he must face all of the work it will take to make the necessary changes in their life to truly move from violence and abuse to wholeness and joy.

What Can I Do to Support Victims of Domestic Violence?

We are often asked this question. Folks are educated about domestic violence, learn about our program and feel compelled to do something. Here is a list of ideas that you can do for Renewal House or for another domestic violence program in your area. The list is a compilation of what our volunteers and churches do for the residents of our shelter.

• Make welcome bags (with toiletries, wash cloth and towel) for an individual and/or family. Write a note for the bag indicating your hope for safety for the family/individual. Include a small toy or coloring book/crayons for children.
• Knit a prayer shawl and donate to a shelter.
• Host a supply drive for household cleaning supplies and/or gently used linens and kitchen items (it’s always best to call a shelter and find out what their particular needs are)
• Host a discussion group on domestic violence, preferably with intergenerational representation to bring in all kinds of perspectives. You could invite an advocate from a local domestic violence program to attend the discussion and share information to get the conversation started.
• Volunteer in a shelter (playing with children, for example, or mentoring adults).
• Bring up domestic violence as a prayer concern during worship.
• Host a shelter family or a group of families for dinner or an outing.
• Confront sexist comments and jokes.
• Sponsor a painting day at a local shelter.
• Pick up food from the food bank and deliver to the shelter.
• Volunteer to teach an ESL class.
• Talk with your children about domestic violence and what a healthy relationship looks like.
  Celebrate White Ribbon Day on Valentine’s Day at your work or faith community. White Ribbon Day is a campaign calling for men to be allies in the effort to end domestic violence.
• Be aware of legislation in your state that has to do with domestic violence and sexual assault and be sure you let your elected officials know this is an important cause for you and for your community.
• Partner with a shelter and a community group/faith community to collect used furniture and other household items for the shelter or for shelter residents moving into their own housing
• Plan and host a holiday activity (Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) and have shelter residents/families be special guests.
• Bring up domestic violence in conversations to indicate to friends and family that you are comfortable talking about it.
• Pray for victims of domestic violence, the batterers and children.
• Have a quilting group make quilts for children in the shelter.
• Host a kitchen/bathroom shower for a shelter.
• Host a candlelight vigil honoring the victims of domestic violence in your community.
• Contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask how you can get involved.

Secondary Trauma Among Domestic Violence Workers

I learned early on at Renewal House that having a good team is essential. This kind of work requires a team that functions well together and whose members trust each other, have good communication skills, and a passion for the job. At Renewal House, we are blessed to have a good team. Working with victims of domestic violence is wonderful, difficult work. At times, one can feel overwhelmed by the painful, tragic stories of abuse and violence told by the individuals and families at the shelter, in the community, or on the hotline.

One of the dangers for people working with victims of violence is burning out from listening to the stories. And one of the signs of burnout is complete numbness to all emotions. It can happen gradually over the course of 10 years from listening to horrific stories of violence and abuse, or it can happen in the period of a few short days or months. All of us have different thresholds for exposure to the darkest sides of human behavior – sometimes we can let it go, and sometimes it can overwhelm us and hold us captive.

In Massachusetts, a great deal of work has been done in the field of domestic violence regarding secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is what I have described above – hearing stories of abuse and violence second-hand and being traumatized by it. Beth Isreal Deaconess Medical Center’s Center for Violence Prevention and Recovery now holds groups for domestic violence advocates to address the issue of secondary trauma. Many of our advocates at Renewal House have participated in this group and have found it helpful.

When I became director of Renewal House four years ago, I was consumed with wanting the shelter to run professionally. I worked with the staff to create new and better ways to track our work. I created a resident handbook that provides an introduction to our program for new guests. I reached out to other domestic violence providers for insight on how things were run at their programs. I tried to bring in as many outside resources as possible. And, overall, it was effective.

But Renewal House not only functions well professionally, it is a faith-based shelter – the only one in Massachusetts – equipping us to both do the work as well as care for ourselves. We minister to ourselves through regular staff meetings and supervision, as well as personal conversations about our struggles and issues. We rely on one another for support. In addition, a volunteer who works as a psychiatric nurse and is a member of the UU church in Chestnut Hill has been leading our staff in a quarterly secondary trauma/self-care group. This provides us with an opportunity to debrief and decompress, address the situations we didn’t have time for in the rush to get the work done, and a time just to be together as a community acknowledging that, together, we are vessels that hold the stories of those we serve. And in these times we can see that we are not alone. We support one another as we continue this journey of walking with individuals and families who have come to us in crisis and need to be heard, respected and accepted.

Children and Domestic Violence

When I arrived as Director of Renewal House, I had a lot of preconceptions that were incorrect about this work and the reality of life in a domestic violence shelter. One of the things that caught me off guard the most was the lack of services and support for children. For the most part, the model of domestic violence programs is based on providing support and services to adult victims and expecting them to either secure services for their children separately, or serve as the sole counselors for their children through this transition.

As a parent myself, I knew this was not helpful, so I began seeking resources that we could provide to the children of our guests. For children are, in fact, victims/survivors of domestic violence as well. They witness abuse and, whether it is physical, mental, emotional or financial, they are aware of the pain and dysfunction it causes in their life. Perhaps children are not aware of the subtler forms of abuse as much as adults are, but the repercussions are great and children are much more perceptive than we imagine. They are like sponges that soak up everything around them. But when children or young people are soaking up the nuances of an abusive relationship, their understanding of what is good and healthy is often skewed.

Renewal House is pleased to have received funding from a private donor to establish an art therapy program here at the shelter for the children who are living here. Thanks to Jim and Susan Shumaker, we have had this programming in place for three years now and it has been a great benefit to our children and to the parents. Our art therapist, Daniela, does an amazing job of getting the children to enjoy themselves while they are exploring their feelings. They are allowed to show their joy as well as their anger. And Daniela provides space for them to be themselves completely.

The other amazing benefit of the art therapy program is the connection that develops between parent and child. Often, the relationship between parent and child has been fractured as a result of living in an abusive environment. There is a lack of trust, connection and confidence within the relationship. The art therapy program gives parent and children the chance to strengthen their relationships through play. It happens organically, and it is a wonder to watch.

Renewal House now has a part-time Children’s Advocate, Alex Kamin, who coordinates children’s activities in the shelter and supervises the volunteers who spend time with the children. Additionally, Renewal House is pleased to have Carmen Rojas as our contract therapist. Carmen brings a wealth of experience working with both adult and child survivors of domestic violence. Her attention to individuals and families, as well as to Renewal House staff, makes a real difference.

Breaking the cycle of domestic violence includes caring for the youngest witnesses, because today’s children are tomorrow’s adults. They will bring about transformation in their own lives and in the world if we can help them embrace the vision of whole and right relationship in a context of safety and hope.

Expanding our Mission: Providing Shelter for Members of the GLBT Community

Last year, Renewal House staff, volunteers and interns went through training with The Network/La Red to become “culturally competent” in serving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender survivors of domestic violence. The training was a positive experience for our team. In the beginning, there was uneasiness among staff about this process: What would this mean for our shelter? How would our residents feel about living with a man - much less a gay man? Would this change in our residents mean a change in our mission?

The training began in a very basic way, with definitions about terminology. There was space for people to ask questions, admit ignorance, and try out new language. We had some good laughs. We had some arguments. We shed some tears. We listened to stories of real people who had experienced tremendous abuse and, when seeking supportive services, had been re-victimized by a system that refused to serve them. By the end of our 20 hours of training, it was clear that our mission need not change – it merely had to expand.

As an American Baptist minister, I know my denomination has its share of trouble accepting LGBT people into churches, as leaders and ministers. But one thing I knew for sure was that the Unitarian Universalist denomination was very clear in its open, welcome inclusion of all people. So when the state changed its regulations and said all state-funded domestic violence agencies must not discriminate based upon race, gender or sexual orientation, I knew what our next step should – and would -- be. I was proud to be working in an organization and with a denomination that really “got it.” All people deserve to have full access to services -- especially those who have been abused and victimized.

At the beginning of this process, I was unsure about how it would go. The staff was concerned about the process. My supervisor questioned how it would affect the female residents to have to share bathrooms with a male. One resident told me she would not allow her children to be around gay people because it wasn’t safe and it may “turn them gay.”

I am grateful for The Network/La Red and other individual members of the GLBT domestic violence coalition who provided support, insight and a step-by-step process to make our transition as smooth as possible. I will never forget when we received the first phone call from a male survivor looking for space – and we were ready to accept him. “We do accept male survivors of domestic violence into our program,” I said to him, “and I want you to know you will be the first one. We will do the best we can – and I hope you will tell us if/when we mess up.” He laughed and said, “I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

A few months later I was sitting in the shelter office doing some work at the computer. I heard laughter in the shelter and happy conversation. I looked out at the gathered group, which included a Latina mother and 4-year-old son, a white gay male, and an African American transgender female. They were playing a game of memory –laughing, talking and having fun. And I thought, “Now this is God’s kingdom here on earth – and I am blessed to catch just a glimpse of it.”

Confronting Isolation

A sense of isolation is one of the most common characteristics of the families and individuals we work with at Renewal House. This isolation is often due to the abuse and violence they experienced – either they hid themselves from family and friends, or the abusive situation frightened away family and friends. Some of our residents have turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with their abuse and numb themselves from their pain and suffering. Drugs and alcohol often further isolate them from those people who want to help, but who grow weary of the substance abuse struggle and all of the poor choices that come along with that.

Some residents are members of faith communities that do not condone or support them leaving their partner. Some are ostracized due to their partner being so well connected and respected in their community that no one can believe this “perfect” person could be an abuser. Others identify as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgender and have been kicked out of their families and have lost connections at work, school, church/mosque/temple and in other communities that formerly were supportive.

When a congregation or individual volunteers to simply provide company to a resident or a child in our program, the isolation is confronted head-on. When a resident receives a prayer shawl, or a child receives a quilt handmade by members of a UU congregation, the isolation begins to lose its power. When a congregation or other group sponsors an event for our current and former residents – enabling them to enjoy themselves, get out of the shelter and even out of the city – the isolation diminishes. When a group of men gather together to do a supply drive for the residents of our shelter because they believe that no one should be abused at the hands of those who love them, the isolation begins to fade.

These are all ways that Renewal House partners with volunteers from Unitarian Universalist churches and other individuals to directly confront the isolation and lack of community our residents experience. It doesn’t fix what has come before, but it provides a sense of hope and belief that what they have experienced is unjust and does not have to be a way of life.

A Faith-Based Approach to Domestic Violence Work

What does it mean to be a domestic violence program and a spiritual community?

For Renewal House, it means that we believe each person/family that comes to us deserves love and respect. This comes from the Unitarian Universalist core value of affirming the worth and dignity of every person. In reality, putting this principle into practice can sometimes be challenging. We work with many individuals who have been badly abused – both physically and emotionally – throughout their lives. For these folks, it is difficult to trust anyone or believe that anyone could truly care about them. Many of them struggle with mental health and/or substance abuse issues. They are not always easy to work with, and some have been turned away from other programs because of their problems.

However, the important thing for us to remember is to not blame them when their behavior makes them difficult. The imperative is to understand and accept their difficulties and struggles, and assist them in discerning how best to move forward in their lives in healthy, safe ways.

Thus, when we say we believe in the worth and dignity of every person, we mean that Renewal House and its staff:

• offer a safe place to live for themselves and their children.
• build relationships with individuals and families in our shelter.
• provide respectful advocacy to assist individuals in meeting their goals.
• listen and provide encouragement and support.
• allow individuals to “fail” and to try again and again.
• provide spiritual support to people of many faiths, or no professed faith, and create spaces and contexts for those adults and children who want to express their spirituality as a tool for healing.
• provide ongoing support to our guests after they leave the shelter in order to help them build new lives for themselves and their children.

In a conversation with a UU volunteer this week, I shared with her the idea that we offer a great deal at Renewal House, and that the families and individuals that come to us can decide for themselves how much or how little to take advantage of our services. It is each individual’s decision whether or not to accept what we have to offer – and to shape it to meet their varied needs – and, in turn, teach us how we can better support them as well as those who come after them.

I am proud to work for an organization that believes in the worth and dignity of all people. It is a lovely philosophy and, at times, a true struggle to put into practice. And yet, it makes Renewal House a program that truly walks with people through some of their darkest days – a time in their lives when they would rather not be seen or acknowledged. And in that journey we are all transformed.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!

In honor of this important annual event, Rev. Susan Chorley and other Renewal House staff, interns, volunteers and residents will be contributing to a daily blog that addresses the reality of domestic violence, life in a domestic violence shelter, and the joys and trials of this work and ministry with individuals and families who have experienced abuse in a wide variety of forms.

We hope this blog will provide you with insight, inspire questions, and convey a sense of the work we do as well as the reality for so many families in our communities who struggle to heal from family abuse and violence.


Don’t tell me you love me
~poem from the movie of the same name by Thato Mwosa

Don’t tell me you love me then wrap me in hardened pain stained sheets of your reality
My skin can’t breathe through righteous sin
I have tasted my own blood – it is not sweet
It does not bring me closer to soul
It does not give me strength
So don’t tell me you love me
Give me bitter heart pain and endless accusations
Give me crushed spirit and dead dreams
Give me bruised lip and blackened eye
Give me constant body pain and tear soaked pillow sleep
You see I have taught myself to swallow it one mouthful of blood at a time
I can almost hold it down now
But just don’t talk nauseating sugar to me
Don’t tell me that you love me
You can crucify me in unholy sacrifice
At the bleeding altar of all the wrongs you say make me worthy of torture
You can slap me down and call me that whore
That biblical Jezebel whore
But just don’t tell me that you love me anymore.