Restorative Justice Efforts

Hello all,

Been thinking a lot these days about ways to interrupt the cycles of violence that are so prevalent in our society.

 I am the survivor of a homicide victim.  My son Joel was murdered when he was "just 19".  I have met with two of his killers.  They have both served their prison time and are back out in our community.  I have asked each of them to make committments to stay clean and sober; get a job and earn an honest living; talk to young people about their mistakes and to cause no more harm to self, family and community.  They are keeping those committments.  They both say that if they had not had this restorative encounter; they have no doubt that they would be back to a life of wrong-doing; back in prison or dead themselves.  They are no longer doing dirt or causing harm to our community.  We, in community benefit from them living a "good life".

 

Restorative Justice is about understanding, about human relationships, about restoring balance when things go wrong.  It is about the needs of someone who has been harmed and the obligation of the person who caused the harm to meet those needs.  When you think about it in terms of domestic violence; people get scared.  People are afraid of the power and control dynamic tha t indeed does need to be acknowledged.  People are afraid of the re-victimization of the partner who has been repeatedly hurt.  All of these are legitimate concerns. 

Understanding those who batter as people who were most likely victimized themselves in their life brings a more compassionate perspective to who they are and to how to reach them in a way that could end their own cycle of violence.  Even if someone who is being abused leaves their offending partner; that partner will most likely go on to abuse somebody else.  This is not to excuse their actions; it is to understand them and to help them to understand their actions; so that they are able to change their way of being regardless of whether they stay, return to this relationship or begin a new one.

 So many times, love being the strong emotion that it is, people in domestic violence situations return to their partners.  If restorative justice practices were in place to those families who are going to get back togehter again anyway and who are willing to search their soul and try something different; there is an opportunity to put safety measures in place. (Safety mapping:Signs of Safety by Andrew Trunnel).  There would need to be preparation with both parties separately and preparation with all family members, extended family and close friends willing to be part of this.  This network would act as a community of support and accountability.

The person who caused the harm would hear from all involved the impact their actions have had on all members of the family and the larger network. Through the process they would own their responsibility and make agreements for future accountability.  The network of family and friends would help to hold them accountable to these agreements and offer support to both parties to stay on track.

Another situation where restorative justice practices could be positively instrumental is in situations when a couple has children even if they are not going to get back together again.
These processes and safety measures can help make for smoother, less conflicting transitions as children go from one parent to another.

 

Restorative Justice and Domestic Violence may not at first seem like they go together.... but it is worth reflecting upon.

Janet Connors is a restorative justice practitioner in the Boston area.  She works with Mothers for Justice as well as schools and community centers throughout the city.  She can be contacted at janetconnors@gmail.com

Presidential Proclamation, Oct. 2012

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

October 01, 2012

Presidential Proclamation -- National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, 2012

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH, 2012

- - - - - - -

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

For far too long, domestic violence was ignored or treated as a private matter where victims were left to suffer in silence without hope of intervention. As we mark the 18th anniversary of the landmark Violence Against Women Act, authored by Vice President Joe Biden, we reflect on how far we have come. We have made significant progress in changing laws and attitudes, providing support to survivors, and reducing the incidence of domestic violence. But we also know that we have not come far enough, and that there is more work left to be done. During National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we stand with all those who have been affected by this terrible crime, recognize the individuals and groups who have stepped forward to break the cycle of violence, and recommit to putting an end to domestic violence in America.

Despite considerable progress in reducing domestic violence, an average of three women in the United States lose their lives every day as a result of these unconscionable acts. And while women between the ages of 16 and 24 are among the most vulnerable to intimate partner violence, domestic violence affects people regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race, or religion. Tragically, without intervention, children exposed to such violence can suffer serious long-term consequences that may include difficulty in school, post-traumatic disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, and criminal behavior.

My Administration remains committed to getting victims the help they need, from emergency shelter and legal assistance to transitional housing and services for children. We are also working to stop violence before it starts. Last year, agencies across the Federal Government held town hall meetings nationwide to promote men's roles in ending violence against women. Through Vice President Biden's 1is2many initiative, we built on that progress earlier this year by releasing a public service announcement that features professional athletes and other role models speaking out against dating violence. This April, I directed leaders throughout my Administration to increase efforts to prevent and combat domestic violence involving Federal employees and address its effects on the Federal workforce. Since August, the Affordable Care Act has required most insurance plans to make domestic violence screening and counseling available as a preventive service for women -- without co-payments, deductibles, or other cost-sharing. And most recently, we developed a new initiative to reduce domestic violence homicides through high risk screening and linking victims with services. Moreover, my Administration looks forward to working with the Congress to strengthen and reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act.

While government must do its part, all Americans can play a role in ending domestic violence. Each of us can promote healthy relationships, speak out when we see injustice in our communities, stand with survivors we know, and change attitudes that perpetuate the cycle of abuse. We must also ensure that survivors of domestic violence know they are not alone, and that there are resources available to them. I encourage victims, their loved ones, and concerned citizens to learn more by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or by visiting www.TheHotline.org.
This month, let us renew our efforts to support victims of domestic violence in their time of greatest need, and to realize an America where no one lives in fear because they feel unsafe in their own home.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 2012 as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I call on all Americans to speak out against domestic violence and support local efforts to assist victims of these crimes in finding the help and healing they need.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand twelve, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-seventh.

-- BARACK OBAMA

Retrieved from http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/10/01/presidential-proclamation-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month-201

A Poem

In the face of the overwhelming struggle presented by intimate partner violence, I often find myself looking to poetic connection. Words that convey the concurrence of pain and hope, and look to a day where we all land together in healing.

From an Atlas of the Difficult World – Adrienne Rich

I know you are reading this poem 
late, before leaving your office 
of the one intense yellow lamp-spot and the darkening window 
in the lassitude of a building faded to quiet 
long after rush-hour. I know you are reading this poem 
standing up in a bookstore far from the ocean 
on a grey day of early spring, faint flakes driven 
across the plains' enormous spaces around you. 
I know you are reading this poem 
in a room where too much has happened for you to bear 
where the bedclothes lie in stagnant coils on the bed 
and the open valise speaks of flight 
but you cannot leave yet. I know you are reading this poem 
as the underground train loses momentum and before running 
up the stairs 
toward a new kind of love 
your life has never allowed. 
I know you are reading this poem by the light 
of the television screen where soundless images jerk and slide 
while you wait for the newscast from the intifada. 
I know you are reading this poem in a waiting-room 
of eyes met and unmeeting, of identity with strangers. 
I know you are reading this poem by fluorescent light 
in the boredom and fatigue of the young who are counted out, 
count themselves out, at too early an age. I know 
you are reading this poem through your failing sight, the thick 
lens enlarging these letters beyond all meaning yet you read on 
because even the alphabet is precious. 
I know you are reading this poem as you pace beside the stove 
warming milk, a crying child on your shoulder, a book in your 
hand 
because life is short and you too are thirsty. 
I know you are reading this poem which is not in your language 
guessing at some words while others keep you reading 
and I want to know which words they are. 
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn 
between bitterness and hope 
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse. 
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing else 
left to read 
there where you have landed, stripped as you are.

Stephanie Edwards is a Grants Program Specialist at the Massachusetts Office for Victim Assistance.  She also attended Boston University's School of Theology  

Connections

When will we recognize that we are all connected?

At Renewal House our staff, interns and volunteers work together to provide those who live with us and those in the community who attend our groups a safe place to be. And within that safety it is also our hope that these individuals and families can also build and create community together. It doesn’t always happen. It isn’t always easy. And yet, the experience we have when we see a survivor sharing his or her story with another – and building relationship out of pain and challenge – it is as if we can see the healing taking place right before our eyes. It is a wonder to behold – and yet it is the simplest of acts – talking, sharing, listening, crying, laughing – and then doing it all over again.

On Tuesday nights our shelter families gather for house meeting. And following the discussion of logistics and supply needs and chore assignments – we offer a moment.

A moment to reflect

A moment to be

A moment to share

A moment to delight in the light of a candle

A moment to pray

A moment to dream

A moment to wish

A moment to honor who they are

A moment to connect

It is in these moments when the folk around the table, light a candle and share what is on their heart and mind – staff and interns and volunteers included – that we begin to see – even just dimly – the ways that we are connected. Even just through our very basic humanness we see that we all have pain, we all have joy, we all make mistakes, we all want a better world, we all want children to have it better than we did, we all yearn for connection, we all want to be seen and known for who we are.

Sometimes in the conversations I share with residents in our shelter, the tough conversations where I have to address an issue or acknowledge a breach in confidentiality or safety, the resident will say to me – “how did what i do affect anyone else here?” – and the answer is the same – “when one person is affected we all are affected.”

In a society such as the one we live in, we believe that we are isolated beings on the journey to somewhere – when in fact we are inextricably connected to one another. And yet and until we can acknowledge this critical fact, the violence and abuse that is happening “over there” will never end – because it does not matter to us. It is when we can recognize and acknowledge that one abusive incident to any one in the world, to anyone in our community, to anyone in our congregation and to anyone in our home – deeply affects us – that we will be motivated (even inspired?) to end abuse and violence for good.

Rev. Susan Chorley is Director of Renewal House, a domestic violence shelter located in Roxbury, MA and sponsored by the Unitarian Universalist Urban Ministry.  Susan is also a Baptist minister.

A Shift in Response

From Dr. Nancy Nienhuis, Dean of Students and Community Life and a faculty member at Andover Newton Theological Seminar (ANTS) in Newton Centre, MA.  Dr. Nienhuis is a participant in Partners in Faith and teaches the course "When Home is a War Zone: Pastoral Care and Theological Issues in Domestic Violence".

The theological responses of religious leaders to abuse are often a critical factor in victims’ willingness to leave abusive relationships, and thus in their ability to survive. Yet too many religious leaders act as roadblocks, reinforcing beliefs and theologies that encourage victims to stay in abusive relationships. When a pastor encourages a victim to “pray harder,” or “be a better wife,” or “don’t make him mad,” these responses blame the victim for the violence and make it her responsibility to change it.  These responses encourage victims to stay in dangerous situations.  But the influence of pastors can be a powerful source of healing for survivors as well, in fact, their responses can even set victims free to leave abusive relationships. A few years ago I was teaching a class on domestic violence with a colleague.  A woman in the class told us how she had repeatedly gone to her priest seeking help from her husband's abuse. The priest told her that marriage was a sacrament, and she was bound to it. Eventually a new priest came to her parish, and she somehow gathered the courage, once again, to go and ask for help. This particular priest told her, "The first time your husband hit you, he violated the marriage sacrament and you were no longer bound by it." The woman looked at us and said, "It was like he opened my prison door and I walked through." That's the kind of power faith leaders can have for victims of violence.

Visit http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/awareness-month-resources/october-domestic-violence for a variety of faith responses to Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, and DV Awareness Month!

October Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Greetings!
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Sponsored by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, there are lots of educational and awareness-building resources produced that we at Partners in Faith encourage you look at and invest in (check out http://www.nrcdv.org/dvam/).

More importantly, however, is the reminder that needing a month to raise awareness about domestic violence as well as sexual assault and violence is a sad reality in our country.  As social service agencies, providers, advocates, supporters, clergy, academics, and people of all faiths, it is our shared responsibility to let survivors know they are valued and to let perpetrators know there is always another way besides violence.  May this be a month of awareness raising so that perhaps next year, we can say that domestic violence is a reality but one that is slowly fading.  Please continue checking this blog for thoughts, readings, and prayers related to domestic violence and sexual assault. 

A Franciscan Blessing for all:

May God bless you with discomfort. Discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen

May God bless you with anger. Anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen

May God bless you with tears. Tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy. Amen

May God bless you with foolishness. Enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen

And the blessing of God, who creates, redeems and sanctifies, be upon you and all you love and pray for this day, and forever more. Amen

- Beth Gillispie, partnersinfaith@uuum.org

The White House’s Commitment to Combating Violence Against Women

Following Monday’s release of the President’s FY2011 Budget Request, we thought you might be interested in reading this recent whitehouse.gov blog post by the White House Advisor on Violence Against Women, Lynn Rosenthal. To read more about the White House’s commitment to combating violence against women nationwide in the budget, click here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/20100202-whitehouse-combating-violence-against-women.pdf

The White House’s Commitment to Combating Violence Against Women

Lynn Rosenthal, February 2, 2010

For six months now, I have held the first-ever White House position dedicated to combating violence and sexual assault against women and continuing the important work of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Every morning when I’ve walked into the White House, I’ve brought with me the stories of the many survivors I have worked with over the years. I’ve focused on raising the profile of violence against women issues across Federal Agencies, states, tribal communities, and localities; coordinating interagency collaboration on these issues; implementing victim assistance programs; and integrating these issues into Administration-wide programs such as the White House Fatherhood Initiative, the White House Council on Women and Girls, HUD’s fight against homelessness, and the Justice Department’s recent effort to better combat disproportionate violence in tribal communities.

Yesterday, I met with a group of 16 leaders of organizations that combat violence against women, provide resources for women who face domestic violence and sexual assault, and advocate for victims. During this meeting, I shared with these leaders the same information I am sharing with you -- information on how the White House, through the President’s FY 2011 budget, is making combating violence against women a real priority.

Violence Against Women Act as a Budget Priority

The FY 2011 budget will provide a record total of $730 million to combat violence against women -- a $130.5 million increase in funding from the previous fiscal year. The VAWA, passed in 1994, already provides thousands of victims with life-saving services, improvements in the criminal justice system and increased public awareness. The President’s FY 2011 budget not only continues this strong response, but bolsters current funding and responds to the emerging needs of communities.

Crime Victims Fund

The budget provides a $100 million increase from the Crime Victims Fund, specifically for emergency shelter, transitional housing, and other local services for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. By focusing on both immediate safety and long-term housing assistance, we can help ensure that victims don’t have to choose between living with abuse or becoming homeless. Furthermore, the Crime Victims Fund does not consist of a single taxpayer dollar; it is self-sustaining and supported by criminal fines, forfeited bail bonds, and penalties for Federal offenders. In addition to a fund increase from the Crime Victims Fund, the FY 2011 budget provides $140 million for battered women’s shelters and services, an increase of $10 million from the previous fiscal year.

Victim Resources and Legal Support

The $730 million also provides vital funding for victim resources. The National Domestic Violence Hotline and Teen Dating Violence Helpline are receiving increased funding of $4.5 million to ensure every call is answered. The budget also provides $30 million in VAWA funding for victims of sexual assault -- a $15 million increase from the previous year -- which will be utilized by the Sexual Assault Services Program to provide crisis intervention, advocacy within the criminal justice system, support during forensic exams, and other related assistance.

The FY 2011 budget bolsters legal support for domestic violence and sexual assault victims by providing $50 million in VAWA funding for legal assistance for victims, a $9 million increase from the previous year. The Civil Legal Assistance Program will use this funding to help victims more easily obtain protective orders and other assistance available through the court system.

To build upon the above improvements in the criminal justice system, the budget also provides $188 million in STOP grants that provide better training, improved data collection, specialized law enforcement and prosecution units, and courts specialized for domestic violence and sexual assault cases.

Support Across the Board

Ending domestic violence and sexual assault is a priority for President Obama and Vice President Biden. I’ve written about numerous fund increases and initiatives that are testaments to this fact. In my meeting yesterday, the White House’s commitment to violence against women issues was clear -- we are increasing support for women across the board.

Partners in Faith

Over the last few years, I have felt the need to reach out to all those who are working in the area of faith-based organizing and domestic violence. It is important for us to share the work we are doing, support one another, and perhaps to find ways to work collaboratively.

On December 2, we hosted a gathering at the UU Urban Ministry that brought this group of people together. Fifteen women gathered for the meeting, with several others wishing to be there but unable to attend. A fascinating conversation ensued regarding the work of faith-based organizing in Boston and across Massachusetts. It was a candid discussion, with folks discussing the challenges of allowing survivors of domestic violence to express their faith within the context of groups, shelters or programs that were not receptive to “faith talk.” We discussed how faith can make a strong impact on survivors’ ability to heal, yet social workers and domestic violence facilities can be quite resistant to integrating faith, and can even feel threatened by faith or clergy. We also discussed how some clergy don’t know the reality of domestic violence and can cause more harm than good for a survivor who is struggling to decide if God condones the way she/he is being treated in their relationship.

As you can see, the conversation was rich. We discussed promising practices that are working in various domestic violence programs, such as spiritual retreats, spirituality/healing groups and trainings of clergy and faith groups in domestic violence. We brainstormed about ways we could reach out to the domestic violence/sexual assault programs in Massachusetts to provide education and resources on integrating spirituality/faith into their programs. And we dreamed about the possibilities of having chaplains that could offer spiritual resource and support to program staff/volunteers/interns.

As the time came to a close, I mentioned that we needed to wrap up. Everyone was amazed that the time had gone by so quickly. One person commented how nice it was to be in a room of support around issues of faith, saying it felt like something she had been searching for and was happy to have found. And when I asked if we should set another meeting, all agreed with a resounding YES! So we will meet again, and continue to support one another and dream of ways we can get better connected.

Some people and faith communities who we wished would attend were missing, and we will need to do more work to bring others to the table. However, it was a good beginning that supports survivors who want to discuss their faith and how it has helped them to heal. It also supports those who work in the domestic violence field who want to discuss how their faith has kept them going, as well as survivors who need to share the reality of spiritual abuse they suffered through their relationship that continues to haunt them. We call ourselves “Partners in Faith” and we are hopeful that we can offer a hopeful, supportive resource that can bridge the church/state barriers as we all acknowledge the importance of addressing the FULL person in their journey to healing.

The Importance of Playtime and Hands-On Parenting

One of the new and innovative programs we offer to Renewal House residents who are also parents is individual playtime with their children. Supported by a staff person or volunteers, this playtime is dedicated to intentional interaction between parent and child. We were motivated to provide this program because we noticed that many of the mothers we work with are so overwhelmed by their situation and the reality of living in a shelter that they sometimes forget to play with their children. And, as a result of the abuse they experienced in their relationships, some of the parents have lost their relationships with their children. Ironically, their stay in shelter can actually be a time of rebuilding the trust and love between parent and child.

When you think about it, our society offers little support for "play." We are supposed to be working, doing something, contributing. But as we all know, play is the way young people learn, the way they interact and make sense of the world they live in. And to have a parent or other ally play with them helps them to know that they are not tackling this project of learning and living on their own.

The first night that our Boston College PULSE interns offered one-on-one play for two of our children and their mom, I happened to be working late and got to listen to the interaction. The children were thrilled to have time with their mom. And mom was sweetly attentive to the children, participating in an art project with one and playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with the other. Each of the one-on-one playtime sessions were only 20 minutes long, and yet those 20 minutes were invaluable to the connection these family members made with one another.

As a parent, I find it difficult some weeks to "decide" to take time to just be with my son. And being a single parent, playtime competes with making dinner, cleaning the house, overseeing homework, making sure baths are taken, reading, and ensuring we will be ready for tomorrow. There are so many demands on parents from all angles that it is hard to believe that setting aside time to give full attention to our children is valued and, in fact, necessary. And yet it's clear that when I am able to give that time and attention to my son it makes a difference in his life and in mine, and definitely creates a stronger bond between us. I can tell he knows that I am with him and that he can therefore tell me how things really are going for him at school or with his friends, or even in his own mind or dreams. I am his resource, as is his father. It is our job to give him attention and care - not just to feed and clothe him - to help him process the joys and struggles of life.

All children need parents. And many of us have had parents that were unable to attend to us in the ways that we needed. But that is not a reason to just "settle" for providing the minimum of what we can give as parents. We are constantly called upon to learn and grow from the past and build on it for a brighter future. It is work, though, and work that unfortunately is not highly respected or hugely supported.

There are a few great programs in Boston for children who have witnessed domestic violence. The ones we work with are "Child Witness to Violence" at Boston Medical Center and the Children's program at the South End Community Health Center. Both of these programs are fabulous and can offer great resources, and yet it is often difficult to get parents to go. Additionally, at times there are waiting lists for the programs, which can be a further deterrent for parents who want/need something NOW. Thus, we decided to start this work in order to provide a resource to our families, to offer a "taste" of what could be more fully experienced in one of these programs, and to let parents and children know we believe more than anything that the health of their relationships are vital to their healing.

Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships

Renewal House advocate Colleen Armstrong and Roxbury Youth Programs coordinator Angela Cespedes attended a training session for a Safe Dates curriculum on healthy communication/relationships and dating geared toward middle and high school students. The training was offered by Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts statewide consortium of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. Beginning in the fall, we have begun reaching out to the Mission Hill community to offer the nine-week curriculum to local programs. We began with Roxbury Youth Programs' high school seniors and in the Spring we will be working with RYP middle schoolers. We recently received confirmation that we will be providing the program for 6th, 7th and 8th graders at Mission Hill School and we are working on getting into two other schools in our neighborhood. In addition, we will be adjusting the curriculum to provide it to 9- to 12-year-old girls through an after-school program at Sociedad Latina. We are very excited to be working in the area of education and prevention, an area that is so vitally important, and yet under-developed in Renewal House due to our limited staffing.

Two weeks ago I attended one of the sessions led by Colleen and our Simmons social work intern, Charmaine, for Roxbury Youth Programs. Following a presentation and review of past sessions, the young people divided into groups of three to work on role-playing exercises. Finding myself in a group with two young women, I was fascinated to see how the young people got into their roles. The first exercise was a scenario between a boy and a girl having difficulty in their dating relationship due to the boy's jealousy of the girl's extra-curricular activities. It was a difficult role play because the girls found themselves wanting to change their activities to appease the boy - and I kept encouraging them to find a way to stay strong in what they wanted to do rather than in what they thought he wanted them to do. They did a nice job of tackling the challenge.

The second role-playing exercise was between two girls, and involved one girl accusing her friend of being too flirty with her boyfriend. The first girl had just broken up with the boyfriend but was clearly still in love with him. And the second girl could tell that the boy was now interested in her and she was enjoying the attention. Soon the discussion escalated into an argument, with both girls accusing one another of terrible behavior and trying to hurt the other. The argument focused around whom the boy belonged to, who he liked better and why. The goal of the exercise, as with the previous one, was to try to find possible ways out of the argument and instead supporting one another. For these two girls, a peaceful resolution seemed impossible. I tried to encourage them to look at ways they could fight their way out of the argument, but it only ended in further derogatory comments and accusations.

At the end of the exercise, I reflected on how easy it seemed for two very good friends to get stuck in this scenario. The focus was not on their common annoyance with a boy who was so clearly "playing" both of them, but rather on what each girl was doing to perpetuate the relationship and its hurtful impact on the other. I was struck by how powerful sexism is - how it traps women/girls in fighting over men and blinds us to the reality that our patriarchal society is hurtful to us all. Why do we - as women - choose to turn on one another rather toward one another? How does sexism and misogyny have such power and control over both men and women? It is as if we are all blinded by the ways we have been hurt and would rather strike out to hurt another rather than truly feel the pain of victimization and work to end it for ourselves and for others.

I am proud to offer the Safe Dates curriculum as another branch of the work of Renewal House, and I look forward to finding ways we can continue to engage young people. This curriculum enables us to provide young people with tools that they can use to more critically think about all of their relationships.

The Enduring Blessing of Joy

This past Saturday Renewal House held its annual holiday party, which has been hosted by First Parish Church in Kingston for the past 10 years. First Parish member Mary Ann Barrow is dedicated to working with us to create a lovely party for current and former residents that includes food, holiday crafts for all ages, singing, and of course presents. Our residents and former residents look forward to the gathering every year – and the preparations begin in early November. Having the holiday party each year on the first Saturday in December is a cheerful way to ring in the holiday season. For many of our current and former guests, the holidays are not full of joy and thanksgiving. The onset of the holidays is a reminder of how hard life has been and continues to be. And those who already struggle with depression and anxiety find themselves feeling all the more trapped by their pain and “trapped” in a shelter – with little money or enthusiasm for the “season of cheer.” The Renewal House holiday party provides a little lift to the spirits of those who feel overwhelmed by so much uncertainty and transience.

This year, the holiday party included invitations to approximately 35 families, including more than 60 children. Renewal House staff braced ourselves for a chaotic day. Some years the Holiday party can feel like a whole lot of work – when people do not get along, for example, or when presents go missing or a child gets hurt. All of these things are normal happenings, and yet because it is a Holiday party it just doesn’t seem like this is the way things should be.

Despite the record numbers of guests and fears of the worst, I realized halfway through the party I was feeling calm and genuinely happy. Everyone participated in the crafts. Folks were enjoying mingling with one another and sharing the food. Church members, volunteers, residents and former residents were making connections and simply enjoying being together. It was a lovely afternoon!

The usual schedule involves a cleaning-up effort when the party is winding down, and then everyone forms a circle and we sing Christmas songs together. Then, each of the children is called out by name and they come forward to receive their gift. This year, everyone helped clean up, the tables were quickly set to the side and a circle of chairs formed. The musicians then began leading us in music, compelling many of the children to gather close to the musicians in ecstatic anticipation.

As the music started, two children, each about two years old, began to dance. It was as if their bodies could not resist the joy of the music, the rhythms, and the joined voices raised in song. They danced and danced and danced. And as I watched them dance I reflected on the lives of these two children. Both of them have parents who are new immigrants to our country. The boy’s mother was illegally bought from her family and sold into the United States to an abusive boyfriend who brutally beat her and threatened deportation if she so much as cried out in pain. The girl’s mother is from an African country where there are frequent uprisings among warring groups – and where she, along with many other women, was beaten and raped as a retaliatory gesture between the oppositional factions.

These two children somehow find themselves in the safety of Renewal House – and on December 5, 2009, they can do nothing more than get up and dance. Dance for their freedom, dance for the gift of their mothers, dance for their hope in a world that is full of peace, respect and love. And all anyone could do that watched them in that hall on that day was smile and clap. And I found myself in awe as I watched this grace-filled moment unfold. Through very different paths and life experiences, two young children and their mothers found their way to Renewal House. And despite the pain and difficulty these children and their mothers had endured, they danced and danced and danced – reminding us all that true joy, true hope, true light can never be extinguished.

Finding Voice

It is interesting to see the ways that different people experience the reality of abuse. We often see people who have learned to meet abuse with abuse. These individuals are very aggressive, quick-tempered, easily frustrated and have little or no trust of anyone. It is important to point out that these are coping skills. It’s not as though there is something wrong with these individuals – they have, in fact, learned how to fight, stick up for themselves, and not be pulled under by the abuse. Unfortunately, these individuals don’t always do well in domestic violence shelters, where they come into contact with other survivors whose experience is different from theirs, and where they must live in a community in which there are rules. These individuals feel frustrated by a system that seems to constantly oppress them, and by having to accommodate the needs of others in the living community. It can remind them of their abuse or their abuser, and the impulse is to lash out. And yet, when they do lash out they are told that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and sometimes they receive punishment or have privileges taken away. This, of course, can add to the rage of a survivor who has been taught to fight, and who often feels bad about himself/herself and is now is being singled out as being a “troublemaker.”

I personally like working with these individuals because they are good people who are struggling to make a way for themselves in a world that has not been kind to them. But they haven’t given up the will to live and to fight for what they want for themselves. The trick is to figure out ways to ally oneself with these survivors and encourage them to continue to fight for themselves in ways that will not alienate all those around them. And yet, the anger and frustration are real and should not be muffled. Being abused is anger-inducing and, in fact, those who lose that anger or never even identify it are more worrisome to me in some ways than those who lash out. It’s almost as if they are resigned to the abuse and agree to serve as an active participant in a model where they somehow “deserve” it.

This other group, the silent survivors, have at some point lost their voice, lost their ability to fight, lost their sense of self. There doesn’t appear to be a lot to work with in these people. But I believe that the job of domestic violence programs is to enable these individuals to find their voice. Along with finding their voice, these individuals need to rediscover and define their identity.

Recently, we had two women in our program who fit into this silent survivor category. During groups and even informal discussions in the shelter, they remain silent and never have anything they want to contribute. They attend meetings with their advocate and with our therapist, but they are quiet and even fearful of the process at times. The other residents, who tend to have stronger personalities, overwhelm them in a way, effectively leaving no room for them to even begin opening up or contributing.

At our house meeting last week, I brought up issues about the television and the kitchen that I knew affected these two residents, and yet they chose to sit in silence. And even when I asked if they had something to share, they both said “no.” I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with these two, although I knew that isn’t helpful, either.

As I was reflecting on this over the weekend, I recalled my college women’s studies courses and the work of Carol Gilligan (In a Different Voice) and Mary Pipher (Reviving Ophelia). The two residents are both immigrants to the U.S., have young children, and struggle with English. The reasons for their limited voice are many, and I question whether Gilligan’s or Pipher’s approaches are applicable. I know that these women have a voice – that is not the concern. The question is, how have sexism, racism and xenophobia exacerbated their situations and contributed to their silencing themselves. And what is our role in encouraging these survivors to find their voice and to use it for themselves, for their children, and in all of their relationships.

I do believe that it is a part of our job as domestic violence advocates to also partner with survivors to help them find their voice. This is a challenging task because it feels so abstract in many ways and, obviously, must be tailored to the individual. And yet, partnering with survivors to help them find their voices and define their identities could be the most revolutionary thing we do.

Statements on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Vice President
For Immediate Release
November 25, 2009

STATEMENT BY VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN ON THE 10th ANNIVERSARY OF THE INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE ELIMINATION OF VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
November 25, 2009

“Violence against women is found in every culture around the world. It is one of our most pervasive global problems, yet it is preventable. When gang rape is a weapon of war, when women are beaten behind closed doors, or when young girls are trafficked in brothels and fields - we all suffer. This violence robs women and girls of their full potential, causes untold human suffering, and has great social and economic costs. On this 10th anniversary of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, I urge all Americans to join with the international community in calling for an end to these abuses.”


USUN PRESS RELEASE # 285 November 25, 2009
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Statement by Ambassador Susan E. Rice, U.S. Permanent Representative to the United Nations, on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, November 25, 2009

Today the United States joins with activists, advocates, and leaders from all over the globe in recognizing the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. This day is of particular importance because women continue to be subjected daily to physical, sexual, psychological and economic abuse -- regardless of age, race, culture, economic status or location. No country is free of this scourge. In the United States, women experience 2 million injuries and 1200 deaths per year as a result of violence by husbands or intimate partners. Furthermore, research by the United Nations Women’s Fund found that in some countries, up to seventy percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence by men. In situations of war and conflict, the prevalence of rape and sexual violence is horrific, with thousands of women and girls gang-raped, mutilated, and forced into sexual slavery every single day.

Gender-based violence is a terrible reality that leaders of all nations must address and prevent through national and international action. The Obama Administration has worked with member states in the United Nations to strengthen the international community’s response. In September, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton led the Security Council in its adoption of Resolution 1888, which calls upon the Secretary-General to appoint a Special Representative to lead, coordinate and advocate for efforts to prevent sexual violence and to end impunity for perpetrators. The United States has urged the UN General Assembly to highlight issues of sexual violence in its deliberations to create a stronger, more effective women’s agency in the UN. And, in October, the United States strongly supported the adoption of Security Council Resolution 1889, which condemned continuing sexual violence against women in conflict and post-conflict situations and called for a wide range of measures to strengthen the participation of women at all stages of peace processes.

The ability of all women and girls to live free from abuse and fear is a fundamental human right. As we mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, the United States renews its resolve and commitment to fight gender-based violence in all its forms. We call upon the international community to collaborate to end these atrocities, to better protect women and girls, and to end impunity for perpetrators of gender based violence.

Finally, Some Relatively Positive Funding News!

On Tuesday, I attended a day-long gathering of domestic violence providers who are funded by the Department of Children and Families. We gather together quarterly to receive updates on the work of DCF in the area of domestic violence and to have a discussion or a speaker address a particular issue that is affecting our work and the people we serve.

At this most recent meeting, we were informed that the budget cut to DCF domestic violence funding -- which we expected to be 2.4%, the announced across-the-board cut to all programs – was reduced to 1.91%. This is great news to all of us, and the room erupted in cheers. It was powerful to hear DCF staff people say that they worked hard crunching numbers and whittling the number down so that it would have the least impact as possible. And they explained they did all of this because they understand how important and necessary our efforts are upon the lives of children and adults who need domestic violence services and support. What a blessing to hear our state funders acknowledge the importance of what we do!

Not only that, DCF is now compiling the statistics that each program submits every month so that they can report at to us at the quarterly meetings the number of people our programs are serving across the state. For example, there have been more than 2,000 intakes completed across the state this year in domestic violence shelters, child witness to violence programs, community-based programs and visitation centers. And the Massachusetts statewide hotline (Safelink 877-785-2020) took more than 17,000 calls; of those, more than 5,000 referrals were made other than shelter. When we get to see numbers like this, we realize the impact our joint effort is making. Our politicians and state administrators cannot deny the impact of the services we provide when we have these numbers to show.

On December 2, Renewal House is sponsoring a gathering of people engaged in faith-based work on domestic violence. We have eight people representing six agencies who have already signed on to participate. When I sent out the general invite to the Jane Doe Inc website, I received three calls of interest. Just yesterday, I received a phone call from an individual who has been engaged in domestic violence work for more than 20 years. She said, “I was just thinking that this time in our world is ‘ripe’ for spiritual fruition in the area of domestic violence. I am so glad you are doing this.” We have touched a nerve – and opened a door – and we are looking forward to seeing what will come of this next venture.

Parenting in Difficult Times

Parenting is a difficult job. Single parenting is even more challenging. Parenting when you are in a domestic violence relationship compounds the difficulty. And even after leaving a domestic violence relationship, parenting remains a struggle. Not to mention parenting in a shelter with a group of people you have not chosen to live with, and who are also healing from domestic violence. Parenting in a shelter can be very stressful.

We discuss the challenges of living in shelter at our house meetings. We ask our residents to share with us what is most difficult for themselves and their children about being in this setting. And we challenge our residents to discover new ways of interacting and being with one another, despite their differences.

This is not easy work. Because of the abuse that our residents suffered, it is often difficult for them to believe that open communication is possible without the situation resulting in abuse or “punishment.” Teaching our residents that it is ok to be vulnerable, and that they can share their deepest needs and be met with respect and understanding, is an ongoing challenge for our staff. In addition, many of our residents learned that fighting is the only way to approach conflict. Yelling, swearing, threatening, and calling people names is the strategy they learned, and that is how they choose to approach conflict.

How do we show them a different way?

At this week’s house meeting, we discussed the impulse to yell, hit or threaten our children. Because parenting is such hard work and so emotionally demanding we often see our residents struggling with discipline issues. Children are smart. They know when things are not “right” with their parent and this can frighten them. Often children act out as a result of sensing change, uneasiness or stress. Additionally, some of our families are involved with the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Because of the domestic violence these families experienced, DCF gets involved to support the non-offending parent and to try to assess what is best for this family moving forward.

Because of DCF involvement, many of our families are concerned that their children will be taken from them. As you can imagine, this is NOT what they want. And our role as a shelter is to support the survivor and his/her relationship with their children. We are there to help them make sense of their role as parents, process their experiences as survivors of domestic violence, and learn important techniques about parenting children who have witnessed abuse. This is challenging work to model – and challenging work to learn – especially when other patterns get in the way of being the best parent possible.

At the house meeting, I shared with residents the fact that Renewal House staff members are concerned about how the residents interact with their children. We believe they are good parents. We believe they want to do what’s right. And we see them sometimes “losing it” with their children. Sometimes this manifests itself through yelling, threatening and “tapping” them. It is our role as shelter staff to address the actions we feel are troubling or unhealthy for the children in an effort to both protect the child and support the parent.

All parents struggle with managing stress. Parenting is the most difficult and demanding work that one will ever do. And sometimes we are NOT at our best. And sometimes our children are not at their best, either. But the ability to recognize when things are getting out of control or too stressful, and to have ways to soothe oneself and one’s children, is the key to de-escalating and making healthier choices.

The problem is that some families and parents are targeted by DCF and other child protection agencies, and the involvement is difficult to end. In reality, all of us parents need a lot more resource than we have. But some of us are more connected to resource and can find people who can help, whether through family, friends or a professional children’s therapist. Even then, however, all of us struggle to control our anger and stress and try not to take out our frustration on our children. All parents need circles of accountability to help us be the best parents we can be. And we will fail at times – and we CAN learn from our failures with the right support.

So I let the parents know that we want them to be the best parents they can be. We want to encourage, support and even challenge them to engage in this “job” of parenting as much as they possibly can. And when we see them struggling, we want to be able to step in and give them a break as a way of providing support, and not as a way to criticize and judge them. For all of us need a community that believes in us and wants to work with us to succeed. At Renewal House, we are hoping to offer that opportunity to all those with whom we work, and to be an ally to the children as well as the parents.

Budget Cuts and Rainbows

The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow,
But the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work
~ Author Unknown

At times, the work of ending domestic violence can overwhelm a person – or a community or a team. There is so much to be done. There are so many lives to save, and so much injustice all around us. We find ourselves called to action over and over and over again. And yet, we cannot do this work well if we are not taking moments to step away from it and notice the beauty that is in the world, in humanity and in our community. When we don’t make time for ourselves, we can lose ourselves in the work and become victims of it as well.

We received the news this week that the state budget line item for domestic violence services will be cut by 2.4%. This is not as devastating as we feared. However, it is a cut, and all programs across the state are making difficult decisions about how this cut will impact their programs and services. We were asked how we would like the cuts to be divided – across all programs, only to community-based programs, or only to supervised visitation centers. And the resounding answer from Executive Directors across the state was, “make the cut equal across the board, and let each individual program determine how to implement it.” It was inspiring to hear director after director agree on the point that all of our programs matter, and we would rather share the pain than ask some agencies to take a deeper cut.

On Tuesday morning, I attended a training session at the Department of Public Health on a new initiative sponsored by DPH, Fenway Community Health, Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition, Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention and Samaritans hotline. The meeting was about rolling out a new initiative aimed at educating providers about issues related to transgender clients, particularly around suicidality. I found it heartening that approximately 100 people attended the event, and I was happy to see people caring about supporting those who are often marginalized and ignored.

All of us were grateful for the opportunity to hear about various efforts people have undertaken to make their agencies and programs more trans-friendly. The statistics around suicide in the transgender community are troubling and can feel overwhelming. We want to help, and it is encouraging to know that tools and resources are available. Hopefully, those who attended the conference will carry this information back to communities across Massachusetts and make a difference.

And now, it is Friday. The week has come to a close. I feel as though there is so much more to be done. Yet the rainbow will not wait – and neither will my child.

Blessings to you on your weekend
Blessings to you in your work
And may we all remember to take the moment to appreciate the beauty of what is happening in the moment – because if we miss it – it will fade and so will we.

Conflict Mediation

For the last few weeks at the shelter, Renewal House staff members have been mediating a great deal of conflict among our residents. I find this work to be the most draining of all the work we do. We must first negotiate and re-negotiate schedules so that everyone can sit down together, and it takes time and energy to listen to each person’s side of the story. But the conflict also has a life of its own at times. And when we do finally sit down together, those involved in the conflict often have nothing to say at first, or they are resistant to being open and honest. Sometimes, they explode in full-fledged anger.

Anger is a tricky thing. All of our families of origin had different ideas about anger and if, how and when it should be expressed. All of us manage anger differently. Some of us cannot help but show it – others sweep it away under a distant rug in the hopes it will just stay there. And yet, in many ways, anger is a good thing. There are many things in this world and in this life that we rightfully could be angry about. Have you seen that bumper sticker that reads, “If you’re not ENRAGED then you’re not paying attention”? I appreciate the sentiment and yet I’m aware that none us is has been provided with instructions about how to express that rage.

What we need are some lessons on how to express anger. Children are not given a lot of room to express anger. And anger in adults, particularly women, is not a trait that is deemed attractive or even acceptable.

The residents we work with get very angry. They are angry about having to live in a shelter. They are angry at the system (courts, social service agencies, etc.), which is not always helpful to them. They are angry about not having access to housing or decent childcare or healthcare. They are angry about the violence they have experienced or that their children witnessed. They are angry about losing their jobs and having to move. They are angry at their ex-partners. They are angry at the world that appears -- and often is -- so unjust to them. And most of us would agree that they have every right to be angry.

The question for Renewal House staff is how do we help them express and channel their anger in ways that are helpful to them rather than harmful?

At a recent meeting with the Department of Children and Families, one of the social workers observed that once someone is in their system, they must fight pretty hard to get out. Once a child abuse and neglect report is filed, the family or individual is under scrutiny for years, and even a slight mistake can lead to a threat of their child being removed from the home and/or losing custody altogether. One of the families we are working with at Renewal House is struggling in this area. And it is hard for the parent to see that any expression of anger she directs toward a security guard, childcare worker, or even another resident in the shelter can lead to an investigation and further concern over her “fitness” to be a parent.

This past week, I have watched our staff manage conflict after conflict after conflict. Of course, this is a normal part of their work, but we have seen over this last week an increase in clashes and a heightened level of tension. In the conflict resolution meetings, we acknowledge that their anger is ok, but the way in which they are expressing it is not always helpful or appropriate. It is an educational moment that most of us never receive. For when we show anger in our society, we are often shunned, ignored, or even reported.

The opportunity we have at Renewal House is to sit with residents in their anger without reacting, condemning or condoning. We simply say, “Here is a moment that can be educational for all of us. Let us help you now before your anger puts your safety and well-being in jeopardy.” Helping people work through their anger issues is difficult work, but it offers great opportunities for people to make personal changes in their behavior that will bring them more inner peace and healthier relationships.

Domestic Violence Month Ends...But the Work Continues!

October, Domestic Violence Awareness month, has come to a close. This last week has been full of activity. From an interview with the Boston Herald on the new Christian domestic violence talkline in Dorchester, to the last session of our volunteer training, to an event with the Northbridge Association of Churches, awareness is increasing and we don’t want that to end.

In light of this momentum, we will continue writing this blog two to three times per week in the coming months. We will use the blog as a means of updating you on the work of Renewal House, as well as expanding awareness about domestic violence issues and encouraging conversation. Thank you for your interest in our work and the support you offer to our program and the people we serve.

On Wednesday night I travelled with Juliana (our Harvard Divinity School intern) and Cinthia (a former Renewal House resident) to Northbridge, Mass., for an event organized by Susan Brostrup Jensen, a Simmons College PhD student. The event was the culmination of her efforts throughout her coursework to bring the work of ending domestic violence into churches and faith communities. The event was well attended, and there was a wonderful conversation following the presentations about how these individuals and congregations could actively address the needs of survivors in their communities.

Both Cinthia and Susan Shumaker (a UU and longtime supporter of Renewal House) shared their stories during the evening. I have heard Susan’s story several times and each time I hear it there is something new that she adds or some new way that I hear the tragedy of a child witnessing domestic violence. Because this event was for people of faith, Susan included her experience within faith communities while she was growing up. We all had a good chuckle when she explained that she attended the United Methodist Church on Sundays, the Catholic Church on Fridays (waiting for her friends as they did confession), and synagogue with her Jewish friends on Saturday night to mark the end of Shabbat. Each served as a place of refuge for Susan as she struggled to create a “normal” life away from the abuse she witnessed between her parents. Susan found community wherever she could. And she found strength in all of the friends she had and their faith traditions that informed their lives.

Cinthia has also shared her story several times at Renewal House events. She was a resident almost a year ago, and is currently living in her own apartment in Boston and working at an area hospital. Cinthia is more than surviving, she is thriving! On Wednesday night, Cinthia spoke about the isolation she felt in her marriage, as her abuser cut off all of her connections to the outside world. Cinthia was not allowed to leave her home, speak on the phone or have contact with anyone. She did, however, have minimal contact with a woman who worked in the building where she and her husband lived. Occasionally, this person would have to come into their apartment to repair something or make routine checks. Cinthia didn’t speak much with this woman – but she didn’t have to, because the woman knew what was happening. One day, she knocked on Cinthia’s door and handed her $25 and said, “why don’t you use this to get out of here.” And that is exactly what Cinthia did.

What I found so moving about Cinthia’s story was that she then looked out at all the people gathered in the Northbridge Church and said – almost as an invitation – “You could have been that person giving me that $25. You can be the person to help someone leave an abusive relationship.” The tears in the room flowed very easily at that point, for it spoke to the very core of what many folks believe: when you serve the least of these, you are serving me…and you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It was a powerful statement, and a wonderful and simple invitation to us all.

Last night, as we wrapped up our final volunteer training for Renewal House, we closed with attendees sharing what they found to be the highlight of our time together. The overall consensus was that having the opportunity to be in community with this group, week after week, was itself a highlight. Some mentioned that the diversity in people’s ages was a highlight. To see younger people so interested and involved provided the “older” adults with hope for the future. For younger folks, hearing the perspective and history from their older peers was meaningful. It struck me that, just as survivors of domestic violence find themselves isolated through the abuse they suffer, we also find ourselves isolated from one another. We are always looking for community – a place where we belong and where our thoughts and opinions matter. Going through a 25-hour training is a huge commitment, and yet finding others who are committed to learning about, and contributing to, the work of supporting survivors of domestic violence can create a lovely opportunity for community. For Renewal House staff, it is thrilling to have others with new energy join us in our efforts to offer safety and hope for all survivors of domestic violence.

Serving Community Members and Former Renewal House Guests

(by guest blogger Ada Guadalupe, Renewal House Shelter Manager)

Renewal House is a special place to me. I have worked here for over 15 years and have enjoyed the opportunities this work and this agency have provided me.

I am most pleased with the work we do in the community and the connections we maintain with former residents. The community work has changed over the years, and is important to the people we serve. It started when I was doing a domestic violence support group at Latinas y Ninos, a substance abuse program for women and children. I lead groups there and people were very engaged and connected. Then, under former Renewal House Director Parisa Parsa, we started Sisters Together Offering Peace (STOP) and many of the women from Latinas y Ninos came to that group as well.

Working in the community is difficult and important work. Difficult because most often the people who participate have little or no resource and often are still in the abusive relationship. And important because so many services have been cut over the years -- and without, us these folks would have no one.

For the last six months I have been offering “office hours” at the UU Urban Ministry’s program and office space at First Church in Roxbury for community residents in need. I provide assistance to those seeking support around homelessness, domestic violence, legal issues and a wide variety of other things. We have publicized this new service with our community partners, and have had a good response.

Another recent outreach effort for both shelter residents and community members is our new ESL class, launched in collaboration with some of our volunteers. This will add to the “traffic” in the UU Urban Ministry and increase our ability to connect with more people.

In addition, our Harvard Divinity School intern, Juliana dos Santos, is leading a yoga group on Wednesdays at the UU Urban Ministry for shelter residents and community members. Yoga provides good exercise and has proven to be helpful in the work of healing.

Renewal House began the practice of working with former residents when I noticed that the residents leaving our program were so sad. Often, we had become their community and they felt that moving on meant they were losing us. I spoke with then-Director Joyce King, who said I was welcome to continue working with former guests if I so desired – so I did. We added a section on the exit interview about ongoing follow-up and asked residents to let us know if they wanted to continue to work with us.

The connection with former residents has been wonderful. For Renewal House staff members, who encounter our guests at the lowest point in their lives, the opportunity to support them beyond their time in shelter provides a reassuring window into post-shelter life -- life does move on, and healing and wholeness can happen. Of course, not all of the people we work with are free of struggle and difficulty, but they do know that they can call on us for resources and support. These days, we have several gatherings throughout the year for current and former residents. Some gatherings are simply social engagements, and some provide education/enrichment for adults and children. It’s a chance for families and individuals to be around others who share their experience of abuse. They learn and gain support from one another.

I was raised Catholic. At times, I have been unhappy with the church and stopped participating. However, I feel as though my faith has driven me throughout my life to do good to those I meet. I believe the church is in me and I take it wherever I go. This is another reason I love working at Renewal House. The opportunity to talk with the residents about their own faith and how it can serve as a resource in their lives is very meaningful to me. Many of the people we serve come to us with nothing. Their abusers have taken everything away from them – except their faith. The opportunity for these folks to see this resource and build on it in a community of support is immensely helpful. We occasionally have residents who are resistant to the faith component in our program. We simply let them know that it is a resource for them to use in whatever way is most helpful to them.

And that is the beauty of the Unitarian Universalist faith – it is inclusive, open to exploration and accepting of all faith traditions. Working in a program that values spirituality is so important to me and, more importantly, to our guests. Furthermore, the ongoing support of Unitarian Universalist congregations helps us make even more of a difference.

From our Holiday party sponsored by First Parish in Kingston, to the prayer shawls from Follen Church, to all the UU individuals who respond to our pleas for Halloween costumes, event tickets, or baby shower items, we try to offer our guests much more than mere shelter. All of these “extras” make Renewal House a program that truly is about renewal for those who come in our doors.

Finding Hope in the Words of a Child

(by guest blogger Alex Kamin, Renewal House Children's Advocate)

Children enter the world filled with hope, wonder, and authentic yearning to interact with those around them. As they develop, their natural wonder can be fostered and encouraged through creative play, nurturing homes, loving adults, and stability. The child who is allowed to develop in this organic way will learn to trust in the world around them. They come to believe that the world is a place where they can invest themselves.

What about the children who were not given the tools to develop this wonder? The children who were not able to explore the world around them? The children we encounter at Renewal House are often caught in this state of transition, which has inhibited their sense of safety in the world. The child who enters Renewal House is going through a plethora of changes -- they have left their home, most if not all of their belongings (toys, pets, movies, music, etc.), and a traumatizing violent home life. Each child enters Renewal House with a different set of experiences and coping mechanisms, yet they have one quality that links them, which is resiliency. Children are incredible healers. Despite the harsh circumstances, turmoil, and transition that each child who enters our shelter has faced, they have incredible strength and capacity for hope. Renewal House, its staff, volunteers, interns, and the resources they all provide for the parents allow the children to reinvest in a world which has thus far not proven to be a safe place.

Although this hope is not always apparent and it certainly does not happen overnight, there are moments when it shines clearly in the eyes and words of the children. An encounter with a 5-year-old boy reminds me of this. This child entered the shelter as a very timid boy, barely talking to anyone outside of his own family. When he did talk he would be submissive and polite. He loved to read. As his time at Renewal House was drawing close to a month, his personality began to change. He became aggressive with the other children, he was rude to his mother and staff, and he would lie and yell. He would refuse to listen to anyone, and disobey rules he had once recited to anyone who would listen. After a few days of trying various disciplinary techniques, I decided it would be best to sit down and talk with him in my office. I knew he had been having nightmares, so I asked him about those. He told me he dreamt of “his mean daddy, and the blood from the cuts he gave himself.” His eyes got soft as he spoke and the anger he had been exhibiting earlier seemed to melt away. He continued, “and I have dreams of my mean daddy pulling out the bathtub and throwing it out the window and everything breaking.” He told me this with certainty. I asked him if he would like to draw a picture of all the people and things that made him feel good. He could keep this picture next to his bed, and it would keep away nightmares. He liked this idea. I drew and he told me different animals and people he wanted to have on the drawing – his grandparents, his dog, a snail, a polar bear. After a bit, I asked if there was anything else he wanted to include in the drawing. He said, “oh yeah – we need to have a lion on top of everything. The lion is God, and protects me from everything, and he watches all of us.” I took a deep breathe, said a silent prayer of gratitude for the gentle spirit moving inside this boy, and acknowledged the great strength which this young boy possesses. I drew the lion.

When I got to work the next day, the boy ran to me and said, “Can we draw more animals? The dreams of my mean daddy went away last night.” Being present to another in their time of suffering is a true gift.